Best Day Of '05,

Sunday, July 31st

It was two weeks into getting to know Exceptional. We were moving kinda fast, but I was loving it. I woke up watching him. I literally pitched myself, I was in disbelief that I spent several nights and mornings with someone I adored. So, you know I had India.Arie Beautiful Surprise in my head.

He made coffee and we sat in the living room reading the New York Times. (we did this often, it was the BEST) I think we discussed the AIDS crisis in the prison system. We showered and dressed for the day's activities.

It was the day of the REVIVAL! Victory Over Spiritual Violence Through Grace at Riverside Church sponsored by GMAD. I swear to goodness brother Keyon Farrow organized one of the best events I've attended this year. You just felt the love as soon as you walked into the church. Exceptional introduced me to several of his friends. During the program, I got a little choked up and he affectionately rubbed my back and asked if I was ok. At that point, I really wanted to let the tears fall, but I sucked it up, LOL. I felt a growth between our mutual admiration for each other.

Afterwards, two of his friends accompanied us to a great Chinese restaurant some where on the Upper West Side. I noticed another facet of him that I didn't know about, how he interacted with others. He was too cute! I was very quiet, which is normal when I meet new people. He asked several times, "are you ok?" I just smiled. You know that smile when you raise your eye brows, yeah that one... I swear my Kool-Aid Smile was SWEET, LOL!

I had wanted to have a drink with Redd, so we took a cab to Luke & Leroys. We held hands in the cab. Anyone who knows me knows I'm (was) paranoid when it comes to public displays of affection, but something was taking over me.

Exceptional had to take a business call. So, I went in and chilled with Redd for a minute. Redd and I had shots of Tequila and a Long Island ice tea. I started to get loose, LOL! I told Redd how much I was truly starting to like Exceptional. He was sincerely happy for me! The alcohol was starting to make me a little sleepy cause the night before.. y'all don't need to know about all that... anyhow, we left Lukes and why did I want to... umm, yeah, we not even going to get into all of that.. but we caught a cab and he held me.

I didn't even think one second to take his arms off me. As we road in the cab on seventh avenue, people started to look at us and I didn't even give a darn. (that shyt felt Tony the Tiger GGGGGRRREEEEAAAATTTT!)

When we entered the apartment, we gave each other slick smiles... i'm talking slick.. I'll never forget the smile on Exceptional's face. And yeah.. this is a PG:13 blog so I can't get into the rest.

So I woke up the next morning and decided to kill off my old blog. I told myself that day, "You've grown and it's time to take the next step."

Dang! That was a great day for me!

Special thanks goes to everyone who commented on my last two posts! Especially EMBRO!!

I'm definitely feeling a lot better. I know some people wrote about being the person you ultimately trying to find. Yeah, that sounds good. But, that's BS. As someone who has grown to love myself fully, I can agree with the concept. Although, I don't feel anyone is ever completely happy being single. I have many moments of happiness.. like I said previously my good days out way the bad. So YES, I was having one of my bad moments, which I know everyone has felt at some point.

I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Once you finally found that person or the person you feel can be that person you get a kind of happiness like no other.

Last night, I went to a Kwanzaa event sponsored by a local African American Senior Citizen group. (I'm meeting Dr. Karenga tonight! YAY!) It was great to see so many beautiful black faces. A couple of people heard about the Endeavor and offered support and guidance. As most of y'all know, yesterday was the second day of Kwanzaa known as Kujichagulia (Self-Determination), which means to define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves. The historian delivered many words of pride and hope for the future. Let me tell y'all, I was AMP. I sat in the room only to be recharge on where my life is headed.

I'm a very spiritual person and constantly give thanks to my Creator. I read my last post after the event and said to myself, "Unconquerable Soul you must keep on pushin." Once again looking at my ancestors, the pioneers before me, those who are just ahead, and myself only to remind myself that my self determination will soon see green pastures.

The battle to fight the system is a lonely road right now. And I think it is key that I acknowledge these feelings instead of ignoring them. Yeah, I still owe myself a cry because it still hurts. In Mahagony, Billy Dee said, "success is nothing without anyone to share it with." I just don't want to get to the mountain top by myself. I just have this urge to go through this journey with someone special.

But, Oh WELL I'M STILL MOVING FORWARD!

There is an alarm at the gate and I'm the soldier answering the call.

Hotep!

Who Understands Me But Me

As much as I agree with my last post, I had a couple of down moments since then. It's really hard trying to stay positive and having a constant smile on your face. Right now, I'm feeling afraid and lonely at the same time and that's a bad combination.

I'm currently undergoing the biggest endeavor of my life. I made this decision after I prayed and fasted for guidance. God has directed me into making this move. It requires a lot of assistance from most of my friends, associates and a whole lot of people that I don't know. Although, I'm only three weeks into this five-month process, I'm swear it has put me on an emotional roller coaster. If it weren't for Kirk Franklin's Hero CD, I would have jumped off a cliff, because it brings me back to a place that I know this is God's plan and I can count on his strength to get me through it.

Fortunately, I've had great responses from friends, especially some of my blogger friends! I really have a problem with asking people for stuff. I try to do everything myself. And when I finally need to ask someone from something it's a last resort and I expect a positive response. When I feel like there is a 50/50 shot of me getting a positive response, I try to avoid asking. Ask Shawn, LOL (THANKS A MILLION MAN).

I don't feel like people understand who I am. This recurring feeling can get me depress. It's weird to have so many "friends" that know me, but not to a point when they fully know me. I have some friends that know some parts about me, while the others know the rest and because no one knows the full story I feel misunderstood. The fact that I'm ready, willing and able to share my story with someone leaves me dishearten since there is no one.

Don't get me wrong. I am loved. I am supported. I guess it's not the way that I yearn for. My heart has an empty space that is longing to be fulfilled. So many good things can happen and I don't really have any one in particular I care to share it with (excluding Redd)... Well, I do have a few friends that I do call, but I'm not sure they really want to hear how I feel.

Throughout the day, I have tons of up and down moments. This Endeavor has me stressed! I been fighting off tears of sadness for the past week because I have so much to be grateful for. But, I'm human and these tears will fall sometime this week.

I know this may sound cheesy, but I want someone to try and sing "I wanna know" by Joe. I guess i'm craving for some attention and support from a significant other. Right now, I just want to cry in someone's arms and be reassured that everything will be ok. It definitely isn't happening today, but I hope it happens sometime soon.

God is still Good!

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Below is a copy of one of my favorite poems by Jimmy Santiago Baca. I performed this piece on my Forensics Team in High School.


Who Understands Me But Me

They turn the water off, so I live without water,
they build walls higher, so I live without treetops,
they paint the windows black, so I live without sunshine,
they lock my cage, so I live without going anywhere,
they take each last tear I have, I live without tears,
they take my heart and rip it open, I live without heart,
they take my life and crush it, so I live without a future,
they say I am beastly and fiendish, so I have no friends,
they stop up each hope, so I have no passage out of hell,
they give me pain, so I live with pain,they give me hate,
so I live with my hate,they have changed me, and I am not the same man,
they give me no shower, so I live with my smell,
they separate me from my brothers, so I live without brothers,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?
who understands me when I say I have found other freedoms?

I cannot fly or make something appear in my hand,
I cannot make the heavens open or the earth tremble,
I can live with myself, and I am amazed at myself, my love, my beauty,
I am taken by my failures, astounded by my fears,
I am stubborn and childish,in the midst of this wreckage of life they incurred,
I practice being myself,
and I have found parts of myself never dreamed of by me,
they were goaded out from under rocks in my heart
when the walls were built higher,
when the water was turned off and the windows painted black.
I followed these signs
like an old tracker and followed the tracks deep into myself
followed the blood-spotted path,
deeper into dangerous regions, and found so many parts of myself,
who taught me water is not everything,
and gave me new eyes to see through walls,
and when they spoke, sunlight came out of their mouths,
and I was laughing at me with them,
we laughed like children and made pacts to always be loyal,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?
-Jimmy Santiago Baca

God's Grace and Mercy

When I think of God's Grace and Mercy...

I left my hands with praise.

Throughout my life I have lied, cheated, stolen, fought, cursed along with many other sins. And still I sin. Of course now it's to a lesser degree, but still I SIN. My spiritual growth this year has opened my eyes to God's Grace and Mercy.

M-W.com says

Mercy: is a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion

Grace: an unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

Tears start to form when I think about how I always knew God is the reason why I get up every morning, yet I ignored him. When I may have been stressed, horny, felt unloved, or broke, I forgot about his unwavering LOVE, GRACE and MERCY.

Because of God's Mercy, I am here today. So many things could have happen to me. I've had many dark moments in my life. Many times I fought my battles alone. Well, I was thinking I was alone, but my Heavenly Father was there protecting me, giving me the strength to conquer my trials and tribulations. Right now I'm feeling undeserving yet grateful.

Kirk Franklin's, Could've Been says

"It could've been me with no clothes, no shoes and no food to eat/ It could've been me, without Your love/ Lord tell me where would I be/ It could been// Me in the cold with (everything gone)/ No house, no job (outside of alone)/ Sitting trying to figure out (where I went wrong)"

I am eternally grateful for all of my present hardships because I can visualize my VICTORY!

I may not have everything that I want, but God's Grace has given me more than I need to follow HIS PLAN. He didn't have to do it! But, God did! All I can say is Thank YOU!

So I leave you with the words of I Won't Complain. May God continue to bless you!

I Won't Complain

I have some good days
I have some hills to climb
I've had some weary days
I've had some sleepless nights

But when I look around
and think things over
All of my good days
outweigh my bad days

I won't complain.

I have an event that I must take my youth council tomorrow afternoon. So unfortunately, I won't be able to attend Derrick L. Briggs Book Club Story Series. I wanted to share with you something that I wrote on my former blog that still speaks to me today. It was written early March 2005. This is the story I wanted to read.

Penny with a Hole in it.

I have never been in LOVE. I would say I've been infatuated with the concept of being in LOVE. I've been infatuated with some of the men and women I've dealt with even to the point when we would say I LOVE you. To me, infatuation is an overwhelming feeling.

Many times I have been attracted to people just because of their ambition and loving spirit. Most of these people were very similar to me. They had issues. These issues prevented the IN part of LOVE. Issues like the ability to reveal emotion, self-esteem, financial and even spiritual thoughts. Dealing with black men, it is a whole other ball game than dealing with black woman. Much is bottled and sealed up.

It seems everyone I meet has their guard up: the guard that is created by someone that has done them wrong in the past. Instead of nature taking its time, (this is what has been happening to me) I or they do something that messes things up. This year, I'm on this keep it real vibe with the people I am attempting to get it there with aka get in a relationship with. The black man's pride is something I'll probably have to work on with myself and whoever is my partner for the rest of my life.

I believe that true LOVE is unconditional. It's a place where people are accepting of each others’ faults and insecurities. Also, a place where two people meet and share their lives with each other. In Shall We Dance?, (yes, I went to the movies by myself to see this movie) Susan Sarandon’s (my home girl) character says something in essence like this: "we marry someone because they will bear witness of our life." Dang, that is strong. Someone that knows where you’ve been, what you’re doing and where you’re going.

My involvement in numerous things has prevented me in allowing myself to really tell someone about all of the things I'm doing or have done. Moreso, I don't think anyone is really interested in what I do. The LOVE I guess I believe in will surpass all of that what you’re doing to the point when my partner contributes to what I'm doing instead of listening. And this works both ways. I'm ready to make time for someone in my hectic schedule. Ready to come home and have someone to lay with. Ready to argue and all that other stuff.

At last week’s Bible study, my Pastor mentioned that we won't find the perfect LOVER. We have to love someone for who they are, not what they are doing, how much money, what school they graduated from. We all have issues. This drove me to the position to put up with some things I may not like. Because $%^t, I'm not perfect either.

It appears when we pass the oh, so famous stage that John Legend sings about.. you know, "we past that infatuation stage," we see people for who they are and that's imperfect. And the people I've been involved with have had a difficult past. So, let's work on each other. Have that friendship along with that relationship understanding. But, it never gets that far. You know when Renee Zellweger in Jerry McGuire says, "I love him for the man that he is and the man that he is going to become." I stood in the place where I liked him for the damaged man that he is and the healed man he will become.

Revealing one’s self is ideal with beginning something real. I seriously want someone to reveal who they are and I do the same so we can work off of each other. Do that Love Jones thing, "Get Together. Fall Apart. Start Over." So, I'm guessing you may think I'm hopeless like a penny in a hole in it. Lol.

See for me, I like, lust, kiss, hug, and most importantly LOVE hard. And when this is returned, I am unstoppable. But, wait, this hasn't happened to me yet. Nope, but just the idea of one day being IN LOVE puts a smile on my face.

What's Really Good?

I'm pissed that I missed the Season Finale of Top Model! I completely forgot about hit, instead I was playing Halo getting messed up with my roommates after bible study of course.

WHY WAS NICOLE CHOSEN? Well, I already knew Americas Next Top Model would not be black. We have Eva and Niama! But NICOLE, WHY? I honestly though Kim had a chance or even that other whyte girl that made it into the top six.

Honestly, I thought Bre had a chance. Since the beginning that girl was working the experience.. getting better and better. She really came a long way, because you know i said before on this blog that i wasn't impressed with the black girls. I heard bre took it like a champ.

Don't get me wrong, I like nicole.. i think she is cute, but there was a lot of better looking woman than her. I read that tyra said, "out of all the top model winners nicole has the model thing going for her." Well, I guess we shall see! It's all about how you Work the system.

Cause i'm sure everyone knows Eva Pigford. Homegirl hooked up with Mona Scott of Violator and been some great things to establish herself.

NEXT...

I rarely watched Making the Band 3... but, during my extended stay in front of the television Thanksgiving weekend I caught a couple of episodes. well, yesterday was the season's finale... he chose the group... well, i think the people he chose can sing and dance.. but damn, did he really have to leave Dominque like that... Homegirl can really sing and i'm hoping she still pushes on... y'all remember when she sung "how did you get here" (deborah cox)... and ripped it.. had me singing loudly in my room and my roommates complaining, LOL....

NEXT...

What the fyck is going on in California? Arnold is pissing me off! Can you please grant Tookie Clemancy. I swear I'm going to cry on tuesday... please, please, if you are reading this please check out savetookie.org and also SIGN THE ONLINE PENTITION... it will only take 15 seconds.. the prison system is suppose to rehabilitate those who are guilty of a crime.. tookie has redeemed himself.. so why should he have to die.. SAVETOOKIE.ORG

anyway.. i just had to get it out.. cause no one is blogging about it...

fyi, i'm not editing this post.. man, i can't wait for mary's new cd.. have a great weekend.

Montreal Trip and Top Five Wednesday

This past weekend, I had a trip to Montreal. I LOVE THAT CITY! I truly needed some time away from the New York Area. My host was incredible! Unfortunately, my two years of French didn't help me out at all, LOL! Luckily, my friends up there are bilingual (if that's the word).

Saturday we went to a club called Jello in Saint Laurent (I think that's the spelling). I had SOO MUCH FUN! They had a live band singing/rapping hits of the 70s through the 90s. Off the chain! In the VIP area the dj was spinning old school hits, I was impressed with the amount of diversity as well as the lyrical knowledge of the patrons. When they played OPP by Naughty by Nature, these folks knew more lyrics than me, LOL.

I also was amazed at the stores in the downtown area! It seems like the people of Montreal are really fashion forward. Oh yeah, it was Cold as F..K! Everyone had a darn scarf on... it was too funny.

I'm go glad I was able to get away, even if it was only for a weekend. I'm seriously trying to hit up chi-town and Vegas before April lets keep our fingers cross.

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I know Top Five Wednesday has been gone for a while. I have been very busy. I am getting ready for 2006! I am ready for 2006! I am ready for 2006! LOL

Top Five Favorite Christmas Movies

5. Miracle on 34th St - This movies is a Classic! Do you believe in Santa Clause? I completely forgot about this movie until one of my friends mentioned it to me last night. I love all of the versions especially the original 1947 version staring Maureen O'Hara, John Payne, Natalie Wood, Edmund Gwenn! Great story!


4. Home Alone - Can y'all remember the first time you saw Home Alone? I can't. I've watched the movie many times. I wanted to be Macaulay Culkin. I would have killed that role, I still can, LOL!





3. Santa Clause - Tim Allen rocks! I love movies family movies like this one! When I watch, I wish I was the little boy and my dad was the one who was becoming Santa. I think I need therapy, LOL!




2. The Preacher's Wife - Whitney and Denzel did the darn thing! The soundtrack was off the meters! A lot of the movies was filmed in my old town of Newark, so you know I have to love it! The little boy name rocks.. hehehe. Whitney killed I believe in you and me. And tell me y'all wasn't jamming at the end when they sung Joy... and the joys was coming from all over the place, lefting your spirit. Dang, I need to download these songs on my new pc.. (Go Me!)

1. Scrooge - This is my all time favorite Christmas movie. It never gets old! I'm talking about the Scrooge that started Bill Murray. As a young boy, I was so scared when the Ghost of Christmas future. I loved the scenes in the homeless shelter. And even the end performance when they start singin. Can I say tear jerker? LOL Someone needs to buy me this movies for Christmas! HELLO! LOL!

What are some of your favorite Christmas Movies?

Stolen from M Dubb
First
First job: South Philly Steak and Fries... i use to kill those steak sandwiches at the mall, LOL I just turned 15
First screen name: gabbanaboy1 (shut up) I just bought some D&G eye glasses and i needed a name so that's why.
First funeral: My grandmother on my father's side, I was in kindergarden and I'll never forget how my aunts cried at that funeral.
First pet: Rusty, the cat. He took a number two under my sheets and I went to bed and it was all over my legs. My stepfather beat him and when the door was open that morning, he left and never came back.
First piercing: I'm ashame to say, LOL...
First tattoo: When I get some cuts in my arm... LOL
First credit card: SEARS. My darn aunt convince me to get it, so i could get my moms something nice for christmas. That's when it all went down hill. (i don't like credit cards)
First kiss: I was 12 and her name was mya.. enough said
First enemy: Haneef. Back in middle school, he always had jokes. I'm not good at retaliating jokes, so we would argue all of the time.

Last
Last car ride: My sister and I went to go see my brother's first colligiate concert. He did and awesome job. I'm so proud of them both.
Last kiss: On seventh st in August.
Last movie watched: Rent. I told y'all about that.
Last beverage drank: Last night. My roommates and I had a Utility party (party to raise funds for the utility bills... people really do pay to come to our house.)
Last phone call: Blue, we use to mess around a year ago. We remained friends that talk two or three times a month.
Last time showered: This morning. I shaved some body parts for this weekend. YES!
Last CD played: Ummmm, Fantasia "Free yourself".

Now
Last website visited: yahoo.com.
Single or taken: No comment
Gender: Male
Birthday: March 15th
Sign: Picses
Siblings: A young brother and sister.
Hair color: Black
Eye color: Dark brown. I love them in sunlight.
Wearing: A Fred Perry track jacket.. a black explotitation T-shirt.. jeans and some New Balances
Drinking: Hott Green Tea
Thinking about: my weekend plans
Listening to: Fantasia's This is Me

It's not just a cause, it's an EMERGENCY!"

Today is World AIDS Day 2005!

AIDS is a preventable epidemic that plagues millions and millions of families every hour, minute and second of everyday. I'm sure there will be many bloggers, websites and community events bringing forth awareness of AIDS and HIV.

The most controversial post this year (in my eyes) was Franks I think your positive post. I'm reposting the response from my former blog. I hope everyone can attend an event or donate some money to a charity or pray for those affected by HIV/AIDS. Remember prayer changes things!

Inspired by Frank's post:

I don't recall when... but I remember reading in Vibe Magazine, they published an article about the CDC announcement, that one out of three black SGM were HIV positive. It also informed me that 33% don't even know that they are positive. This news was extremely alarming to me.

On August 27, 2005, will mark my second year from abstaining from penetrated sex. Although, I have a high sex drive the news that I just mentioned cautioned me greatly. I'm not going to lie, I have engaged myself with low risk activity with multiple people since then, but the thought of contracting HIV/AIDS in a matter of simple pleasure drives me INSANE. Yes, there have been many moments that things were just about to happen without protection, fortunately it never occurred.

As a conscious brother last year, it was my first time getting tested. YES! After messing around from 1995 to 2004, I never got tested. First of all, I didn't think there was a need to because I was using protection. Secondly, I didn't want to know because the fear of living my entire life knowing I was going to die form AIDS. The last two months I've been procrastinating about getting tested. Although, I don't do much, there is still risk involved. And quite frankly, I will always be scared each time I am tested.

I have many friends that after a week or two of being sexually involved with someone and maybe even taking a STD test would end up having unprotected sex. As the disease continues to plague our community, it is still preventable. It pisses me off that the CDC announce that 46% of black “gay” men in New York City, Baltimore, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Miami are HIV positive. With all the problems that going on in our community, I believe it's the most preventable. Wrap your shyt up!

We have no self-worth or appear to be stupid! After so much talk about HIV/AIDS we still partake in HIGH RISK ACTIVITY. Even people who have posted on Franks blog will continue to do what they want to do. They still won't get tested. They still won't try to urge their friends. And some are HIV Positive and won't even disclose this information to their sexual partners.

What's really good? Frank pointed out what Brother West preached about... Nihilism. Nihilism is the concept meant to describe, "Life without meaning, hope, and love [which] breeds a coldhearted, mean-spirited outlook that destroys both the individual and others." The people in our community have injected far too much Nihilism into their spirits.

I'm getting tested next week and going to try to get three friends to go with me. My brothers and sisters they aren't going to help us end this epidemic, we must step up to the plate and SAVE Our Selves (SOS)!

Spread the word!

Your brother in the struggle!

HIV is one of the biggest social, economic and health challenges in the world. It is a global emergency claiming over 8,000 lives every day. In fact 5 people die of AIDS every minute.

Get Tested!

World AIDS Day and HIV in the Black Community!
Wise up. Wear it. Where's yours?
Stop AIDS. Keep the Promise.