Who Understands Me But Me
As much as I agree with my last post, I had a couple of down moments since then. It's really hard trying to stay positive and having a constant smile on your face. Right now, I'm feeling afraid and lonely at the same time and that's a bad combination.
I'm currently undergoing the biggest endeavor of my life. I made this decision after I prayed and fasted for guidance. God has directed me into making this move. It requires a lot of assistance from most of my friends, associates and a whole lot of people that I don't know. Although, I'm only three weeks into this five-month process, I'm swear it has put me on an emotional roller coaster. If it weren't for Kirk Franklin's Hero CD, I would have jumped off a cliff, because it brings me back to a place that I know this is God's plan and I can count on his strength to get me through it.
Fortunately, I've had great responses from friends, especially some of my blogger friends! I really have a problem with asking people for stuff. I try to do everything myself. And when I finally need to ask someone from something it's a last resort and I expect a positive response. When I feel like there is a 50/50 shot of me getting a positive response, I try to avoid asking. Ask Shawn, LOL (THANKS A MILLION MAN).
I don't feel like people understand who I am. This recurring feeling can get me depress. It's weird to have so many "friends" that know me, but not to a point when they fully know me. I have some friends that know some parts about me, while the others know the rest and because no one knows the full story I feel misunderstood. The fact that I'm ready, willing and able to share my story with someone leaves me dishearten since there is no one.
Don't get me wrong. I am loved. I am supported. I guess it's not the way that I yearn for. My heart has an empty space that is longing to be fulfilled. So many good things can happen and I don't really have any one in particular I care to share it with (excluding Redd)... Well, I do have a few friends that I do call, but I'm not sure they really want to hear how I feel.
Throughout the day, I have tons of up and down moments. This Endeavor has me stressed! I been fighting off tears of sadness for the past week because I have so much to be grateful for. But, I'm human and these tears will fall sometime this week.
I know this may sound cheesy, but I want someone to try and sing "I wanna know" by Joe. I guess i'm craving for some attention and support from a significant other. Right now, I just want to cry in someone's arms and be reassured that everything will be ok. It definitely isn't happening today, but I hope it happens sometime soon.
God is still Good!
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Below is a copy of one of my favorite poems by Jimmy Santiago Baca. I performed this piece on my Forensics Team in High School.
Who Understands Me But Me
They turn the water off, so I live without water,
they build walls higher, so I live without treetops,
they paint the windows black, so I live without sunshine,
they lock my cage, so I live without going anywhere,
they take each last tear I have, I live without tears,
they take my heart and rip it open, I live without heart,
they take my life and crush it, so I live without a future,
they say I am beastly and fiendish, so I have no friends,
they stop up each hope, so I have no passage out of hell,
they give me pain, so I live with pain,they give me hate,
so I live with my hate,they have changed me, and I am not the same man,
they give me no shower, so I live with my smell,
they separate me from my brothers, so I live without brothers,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?
who understands me when I say I have found other freedoms?
I cannot fly or make something appear in my hand,
I cannot make the heavens open or the earth tremble,
I can live with myself, and I am amazed at myself, my love, my beauty,
I am taken by my failures, astounded by my fears,
I am stubborn and childish,in the midst of this wreckage of life they incurred,
I practice being myself,
and I have found parts of myself never dreamed of by me,
they were goaded out from under rocks in my heart
when the walls were built higher,
when the water was turned off and the windows painted black.
I followed these signs
like an old tracker and followed the tracks deep into myself
followed the blood-spotted path,
deeper into dangerous regions, and found so many parts of myself,
who taught me water is not everything,
and gave me new eyes to see through walls,
and when they spoke, sunlight came out of their mouths,
and I was laughing at me with them,
we laughed like children and made pacts to always be loyal,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?
-Jimmy Santiago Baca
Posted by Unconquerable Soul at 3:03 PM::
6 Comments:
Man, I feel you on this one.. I'm going to have to "borrow" that poem and post it on my page.. man so many brothas are going thru the same thing u are-- shyt i can be with someone and steal be lonely...still feel misunderstood like I don't have a freind in the world.. even though I know there are a few people who "love" me or whatever part of "me" that they see, realize, see worth in... but man it's up to you to love you... thats what I'm working on.. being afraid and still being "ok" with me... loving me even when I fell ugly and useless and afraid and like no one loves me or when I constantly remind myself of how I'm not worth shyt, but deep down inside I know i am.. i think what it boils down to is.. that it's ok to be scared.. its ok to be afraid...shyt, you bout to make my comment a blog entry so i'll holla at u later.. man keep ur head up...
I like the poem...very deep...however, don't expect or allow someone to fill in the void inside your heart...that is for you to do; otherwise, the wrong people will challenge that void, and you wouldn't like that
Oh, we feel like that sometimes, don't we!? And some of us linger in the emotions of lack and not being loved when we feel like being loved. But there is a psalm which begs God to allow understanding over being understood.
Here's a key of Solomon: You are the one you've been waiting for.
Peace,
Me.
I second what ProfessorGQ said. It's a great point and very true.
Hmph...you know what...I know EXACTLY what you mean! It's called being broken though...that shit just has to happen. Because hind sight is 50/50, I am just starting to pick up the pieces.
Coming Into Reality,
-Jamal
Wut does the peom mean? Pleeze explain each line in detail!
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