Make me over again!
I've been thinking about a lot of shyt. (no this isn't another unedited shyt post, lol) From my present state with my endeavors to my personal life, I have lost much of my strength and faith.
A couple of times a week, I find myself comtemplating on giving up on life. I have been granted with many blessing and have used them for the greater good. However, I'm sadden by the fact so many of us (people of color) have uncontrolable amounts of ego, don't know about systemic issues, talk the talk and don't walk the walk, and act like crabs in a barrel. Certainly, no one told me that my work would be easy but, I always felt my community would have my back.
Outside of my constant attempts to empower my community, I'm failing myself. I haven't been around family much, not saving as much as I should, gaining weight and feeling alone. Times are rough! It seems as though I'm back at the starting point. I remember my last blog (smilingdl for my long time readers) and even parts of unconquerable and these feeling feel the same but at a higher level. I always felt that God was placing obstacle in my way to prepare me for a greater task.
As much as I know tomorrow is a brighter day, I don't want to face the sunlight that morning brings. Bringing my darkness to light. I'm tired and lazy and rather stick with today.
I'm disappointed in mentors, politics, my community and myself.
My deepest fear is not that I'm inadequate, it's that I'm POWORFUL BEYOND MEASURE. I'm so fucking scared about my next steps. Given the positions that I hold, real substancial action must take place soon, my network must continually expand, and I must learn about the past and future. These task are self imposed.
My vision is crystal clear but the path toward the vision is in uncharted territory which frightens me.
Where do I go from here?
Back to Church...
Sent from a BlackBerry.
I've been thinking about a lot of shyt. (no this isn't another unedited shyt post, lol) From my present state with my endeavors to my personal life, I have lost much of my strength and faith.
A couple of times a week, I find myself comtemplating on giving up on life. I have been granted with many blessing and have used them for the greater good. However, I'm sadden by the fact so many of us (people of color) have uncontrolable amounts of ego, don't know about systemic issues, talk the talk and don't walk the walk, and act like crabs in a barrel. Certainly, no one told me that my work would be easy but, I always felt my community would have my back.
Outside of my constant attempts to empower my community, I'm failing myself. I haven't been around family much, not saving as much as I should, gaining weight and feeling alone. Times are rough! It seems as though I'm back at the starting point. I remember my last blog (smilingdl for my long time readers) and even parts of unconquerable and these feeling feel the same but at a higher level. I always felt that God was placing obstacle in my way to prepare me for a greater task.
As much as I know tomorrow is a brighter day, I don't want to face the sunlight that morning brings. Bringing my darkness to light. I'm tired and lazy and rather stick with today.
I'm disappointed in mentors, politics, my community and myself.
My deepest fear is not that I'm inadequate, it's that I'm POWORFUL BEYOND MEASURE. I'm so fucking scared about my next steps. Given the positions that I hold, real substancial action must take place soon, my network must continually expand, and I must learn about the past and future. These task are self imposed.
My vision is crystal clear but the path toward the vision is in uncharted territory which frightens me.
Where do I go from here?
Back to Church...
Sent from a BlackBerry.
Posted by Unconquerable Soul at 10:55 PM::
1 Comments:
Where do you go? You know the answer to that question...you were smiling DL - don't forget what originally made you smile.
Listen, life is all about ups and downs. It's okay to be down - you need that balance in order to appreciate the ups. But yo, don't stay there. There's a danger in staying a place you were released from! Get your plan together, rework it if you need to, then put one foot in front of the other...do that 5 or 6 times and guess what you've made...progress! It's hard at first (I'm saying this from experience) but, the more you do it, the easier it becomes!
Don't ever forget your purpose...even in your down times. That's why you're here - you have no choice but to succeed! I'm praying for you bruh!
-dtw
LOL - I'll send you some fried catfish and kool-aid (no macaroni & cheese).
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