The Unconquerable Soul

Though one should conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle, he who conquers his own self, is the greatest of all conquerors! ~ Gautama Buddha

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Breathe and Stop.. For Real and Give It All I Got


I can't believe that we are halfway into 2006. So much has happen in a small amount of time. Nonetheless, I'm proud of the many improvements I've made in different areas of my life. I have some stuff I want to get off my chess. Yeah, I know you saying he only blogs when bad stuff happens, well not really but it's like kinda like therapy for me.

Like I told you before, I recently moved into my new place... I'm enjoying the peace and quiet when I'm home. My job hunt is frustrating. Now, I'm not sensitive when it comes to race. But, racism certainly still exist. I don't want to go into details, but those of you that have been a victim of racial prejudice know it's a frustration that only leads to anger. And on several occasions I know I was a victim of the pigment of my skin.

I actually started to drink more heavily. The success of the Endeavor has me stressed. My new place rent has doubled and I'm really worried if I don't get a new job soon my lil savings will be empty by September. I'm being pulled in many directions, attempting to please everybody. I'm failing miserably. The past couple of days there have been moments of crying. First crying to God because I don't know what is going on. Don't get me wrong things are moving forward, but internally I'm not. Then crying because I'm blessed to be who I have grown to be and for all that I have. So, after these cries for help... I feel better because I'm leaning on the victory.

But still... I drank my worries so I can sleep.

My dad is a functional alcoholic. My mother’s ex-husband was also an alcoholic. My grandfather was an alcoholic. And here I am on their path to destruction. People that are close to me would never guess how much I was drinking at home by myself. I don't even think people I spoke online could tell that after 11pm I was drunk. I was truly functional and depressed. So....

For the past couple of days, I've been reading the bible. Seeking direction. (Proverb new living version is off the hook) And as I read Romans 15:1-13 I breathe in the last verse of this passage. So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Gladly, at that moment I stopped and felt like God was telling me, "You need to chill out, especially with that drinking. I got you." I swear to goodness! I believe I need confirmation that everything is going to be more than OK. I felted compelled to call a spiritual friend facing similar situations for some much needed discussion on spirituality. As we chatted, I poured out all of the alchol that I had in my fridge.

Apart of me felt guilty about doing some things because I knew better. I guess my faith isn't where it ought to be. But, I’m praying that my trust in God will become stronger…

4 Comments:

Blogger Virginia Slim said...

I'll pray for you, my brother. Glad you're back on the right path!

July 06, 2006 12:54 PM  
Blogger Soldier said...

Have a little more faith in yourself man and use ALL of the dozens of connectons you have.
Let everybody around you know what's goin on. Be active, you know how to promote things. You've been to / and organized so many events, now it's time to promote yourself. You're not a nobody.

P.S : Every time u feel like drinking, call a friend, remember good times, laugh, play cards, go out, run till you fall asleep, just do something.

July 07, 2006 1:09 AM  
Blogger ProfessorB said...

Doubled rent but no provisions, whoa!

July 08, 2006 9:26 AM  
Blogger Emotionalbrotha said...

man, you know i don't believe in the whole "god" thing, but the thing that has gotten me over is believing in myself and looking how far I've come.. I invite you to do the same... look at where u been and where ur at, and where ur going... just when ur in mid flight and u think ur wings cant take know more, u keep flapping... just like breathing... u breathe cause it automatic, u did it without thinking, thats just like taking care of urself, u do it without thinking because what? because u have to... and yo stop drinking by yourself.. that ain't good... still got mad love for u, although u ain't blogged in a month and sundays.. and what happened to my visit?

July 10, 2006 11:15 AM  

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