new stuff about me.. hehehe

Well, since my Nov. 7th post, I started going to a new church. I heard about the preacher from a couple of associates and wanted to check it out. The first sermon I heard him preach, he touched on HIV/AIDS, environmentalism, race, poverty and homophobia. (yes, homophobia!) I've never attended a local church that preached against homophobia. Anyhow, over the last couple of weeks, I felt like this was the place to be as I rediscover myself. Today, the pastor hit on some topics about life and God that touched my soul and when it was time for the invitation to discipleship a brotha walked down the aisle like he was matthew, paul or mark. lol. yes, I joined the church! A church that welcomes ALL of ME.

I wanted to write this long post about 2007 to recapture many of the ups and downs and decided I rather take myself out to dinner and think about it on New Years Eve. So yeah, that's what I did.

On New Years Day, I told my two best friends about what's really good with me. Plainly, I told them about my sexuality. I was very nervous about telling the male because I was unsure how he would react. Overall, it was a great experience. My peeps were not completely surprise (which i already knew) they welcomed me with open arms. I nearly cried when the male BFF embraced me like never before. I left feeling empowered and ready to tell everyone and their momma. LOL! Since New Years, I have this strange confidence in myself. My boss is the next person to confirm... i may tell y'all about that.

anyhow, I'm inspired to continue the work that has been put before me. it a rough and rocky road and sometimes lonely but I'm getting through it more smoothly. When my brother Barack said "Yes, we can," it makes me believe that tomorrow will be a better day because "we will."

oh yeah. guess what? i lost 6lbs since Jan 1st. Go me. lol

A couple of random thoughts...

Go see the Great Debaters. Denzel put it down! The sista from Eve's Bayou did an incredible job. Although, I was on my forensic team, I never competed as an debater. This movie made me regret not taking that opportunity.

Mary's new joint. The album is Hott. Last week was my first time listening to all the words in "Just Fine.". (I know I'm late, lol) Why did I played the song over 20times before listening to the entire time. The last two times, I began jumping around like I'm on Grey's Anatomy. Tears began to roll down my face like this song was my gospel... It blew me away!

The Writers strike is really starting to fyck with my shows. I need new episodes of Grey's, Private Practice, Life, Brothers and Sisters and Dirty Sexy Money. (FYI: I'm not a couch potato, I was my shoes online on Sundays, lol). At least Law and Order is coming back! Yay!

Over the last month, I spent almost a week in San Fran and New Orleans for work. (We are going to LA at the end of Jan) San Fran/Oakland was dope. New Orleans was a great experience! I can't wait to go back. Why did I have more fun at this conference than my week long cruise in the bahamas? That housing shyt is ridiculous, we must continue to pray for our displace brothers and sisters from there..

I'm thinking about changing my blog in the new year. As I reshape parts of my live in 08, I need this outlet to express some thoughts.

I'm working on a year of review post, but I don't think I'll have time to type it before Jan 1st.

Thank goodness for my phone. My last three postings have been done on my blackberry.

A change has began in me.

I ready to embrace it.

So, "I'm here"

I'm waiting on a red eye flight from the west coast back east. I arrive a hour ahead of boarding and just found out my six hour flight is leaving two and half hours late. So yeah, I feel liking updating my blog (I love my new phone, lol).

I have written several posts in the same vein as "make me over again" and decided not to post them. Those posts are depressing and don't reflect how I feel most of the time. Anyhow, I've been searching and praying for answers. God has been placing books, tv shows and news articles in front of me that addresses anger amongst black men.

I was watching Gil Noble's program, "Like It Is," last sunday and his guest spoke about as much as we have programs to help develop positive black males we have been able to tackle aggression but not anger. This lead me to begin to look at myself and the frustrated and confused space I've been living in.

Considering that my good out weighs the bad and I can't seem to find the beat of I won't complain, I'm having trouble with expressing my anger. Usually, when things are tough, I cry it out but this year I haven't been weeping my sorrows. The shadows of being pissed off began to appear in my visions which sparked me into being angry with no one to kick, punch, yell, email, smack or curse someone out but myself. Creating a section in my everyday life that is not healthy.

I had lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. We updated each other on what was going on professionally in our lives. This is another young, black and gifted brother. He showed me glimpses of things I've experience recently. As much as I know it is not all about me, I must continuously recognize that I AM NOT ALONE. Our lunch as brief as it may have been brought me pass my state of distress.

On some real shyt, I'm still angry. After attending multiple rallies within the last two weeks against hate, violence, racism and police brutality I'm angry. After looking in the mirror and knowing I can be better I'm angry. Shyt, even thinking about going to work after I land pisses me off. But, its OK... I'm human and I can not use this anger to attack me, my vision and goals.

Like using the principle of sankofa, I must look to the past as I conquer the future. My past says it all! I have the capability and ambition to move forward.

While I was on the west coast, I went to see The Color Purple for the second time. The musical spoke to me differently. When Celie reaches to the point of self-reliance and security which is marked when she tells Mister, "I maybe Black... Poor... And maybe Ugly. I'm here!" I had one of those Oprah Ah Ha moment. Yo, the line as it does in the movie killed my anger emotions softly. I'm here. No matter how imperfect I am. I'm here. No matter how disappointing the world may seem to be. I'm here. No matter how much I fear to fail. I'm still here. I'm here moving forward, knowing the sky is not the limit and reaching for the motha fycking stars!

So look into the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. Nah, its UNCONQUERABLESOUL!

Make me over again!

I've been thinking about a lot of shyt. (no this isn't another unedited shyt post, lol) From my present state with my endeavors to my personal life, I have lost much of my strength and faith.

A couple of times a week, I find myself comtemplating on giving up on life. I have been granted with many blessing and have used them for the greater good. However, I'm sadden by the fact so many of us (people of color) have uncontrolable amounts of ego, don't know about systemic issues, talk the talk and don't walk the walk, and act like crabs in a barrel. Certainly, no one told me that my work would be easy but, I always felt my community would have my back.

Outside of my constant attempts to empower my community, I'm failing myself. I haven't been around family much, not saving as much as I should, gaining weight and feeling alone. Times are rough! It seems as though I'm back at the starting point. I remember my last blog (smilingdl for my long time readers) and even parts of unconquerable and these feeling feel the same but at a higher level. I always felt that God was placing obstacle in my way to prepare me for a greater task.

As much as I know tomorrow is a brighter day, I don't want to face the sunlight that morning brings. Bringing my darkness to light. I'm tired and lazy and rather stick with today.

I'm disappointed in mentors, politics, my community and myself.

My deepest fear is not that I'm inadequate, it's that I'm POWORFUL BEYOND MEASURE. I'm so fucking scared about my next steps. Given the positions that I hold, real substancial action must take place soon, my network must continually expand, and I must learn about the past and future. These task are self imposed.

My vision is crystal clear but the path toward the vision is in uncharted territory which frightens me.

Where do I go from here?

Back to Church...

Sent from a BlackBerry.

Unedited Shyt


I got some shyt that stinks. The shyt that stinks is preventing me from taking a strong stand on some other shyt. And my shyt is fixable, but I choose to let my shyt sit there in my hiding place. Although, I'm the only one that can smell it (for now), if someone gets close enough or if I provoke someone... they will discover my shyt is right under me. It baffles me that I won't take control of this shyt because it is not telling what will happen to me if I attempt to move it or when will it be completely removed.

I hate this shyt.

But, sometimes I feel like everyone got some shyt to deal with. This makes me think... why not expose my...

SHYT

Crabs in a barrel

I've heard many times throughout my life community elders complaining about why do we (black folks) act like "crabs in a barrel." I never paid attention to it until recently. Well, like I blog before, I talk about some positive things happening in my life that were clearly met with some adversity.

The first three months of the year, I felt that people were attacking me, The Unconquerable Soul. After much prayer and talking it out with some close friends, I've come to a conclusion. Folks aren't attacking me, they are attacking what I representing. I represent a young generation that is determine to succeed more than my ancestors. Shouldn't we all think this way? I pray that the generation that comes after me will surpass my achievements by far. And instead of me creating road blocks, I will get on my hands and knees and allow the younger generation to climb on top of my back. Because if they don't, they may suffer greater loss as a people. Whatever happen to lifting as we climb.

These vitious attacks are most dishearting because majority of these attackers look like me. BLACK FOLKS. Some even my recently former mentors.

As a young socially and politically conscious black man I can no longer hold back my talents, ambitious and compassion on the account of threatening someones "status." It's not like I'm Barack running for president, Tyra attempting to surpass Oprah, or even Kanye or TI building a long lasting music media empire. I'm just someone who has been blessed to be in a position of influence attempting to get something positive done in my community.

Last week, I reached a new point when one of those recently former mentors, sent out an e-mail attacking me without saying my name. I read the e-mail and kept it moving. I told my confidents I didn't want to hear about anything that anyone had to say about me because clearly people are worried about me the person and not what I'm aiming to do for others. The work to be done is more important than me.

It's sad. I will be honest. I am very opinionate. A lot of shyt I keep to my damn self and if you are close to me you get to hear some of it. The shyt i'm most opinionate about is shyt I know a lot about and can back my shyt up. But, I'm finding more and more people having that damn barber shop chat and don't know the facts nor the in-your-face meaning on what's going on in our society.

This happens in all areas... if you are working in party promoter --- people are hating... if you a manager at a retail store --- people are hating... if you bought that new car that you love --- people are hating --- if you getting your doctorate --- people are hating. THERE ARE HATERS EVERYWHERE FOR EVERY DAMN THINGS LIKE A 99cents STORE!!!

To my brothers and sisters reading this: I love you! Do The Damn Thing! And I'm praying that your are bless more than you can ever imagine. But, most importantly, I am praying that you have the strength to combat the forces that will be against you.

That's all.

Peace

On the go...

Blogworld, it's been a mighty long time since I've shared anything with you. I've been moving forward fast and I had to write about my adjusting to my new found influence, power, breaking point, stress level and money. (no i ain't rich, but got some more dough coming in, lol)

Last year was monumental for me. It set the tone for my future. All of my major goals 0were accomplished, which was accompanied by great pain and confusion. I had several low points that I prayed up to God and the blessing came down, truly more than I deserve. I found myself, analyzing how far I've come from the midst of darkness. My love for myself has increase and constantly amazed by my strength and diligence.

The last goal was accomplished right before Christmas. I received my dream job. I swear to you, when I received the phone call after the fourth interview, I felt like Will Smith at the end of Pursuit of Happyness. MAN, I WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND HAD A LONG "THANK YOU JESUS MOMENT."

I entered the new year with breaking new ground for the future.

And when the job started, a reaccuring dream began. I dreamt that I was preparing for an Olympic race, I reassured myself that "I, the UNCONQUERABLE SOUL" was ready to finish first. When the race finally started, I blew everyone away, but my stamina kept me from keeping the top spot. My body crammed up, I began to cry and prayed for strength to at least finish the race.

Suddenly, I had the feeling that I should stop running because I would lose the race. Then another part of me kick in and said, "you didn't make all this effort to not finish." So yeah, I closed my eyes and struggled to finish. Struggled long and hard. Stuggled without an ounce of energy. And the crowd watching told me to open my eyes and I was on my last lap ahead of everyone and ended up winning the race.

This dream is what I'm living right now. I'm in this race and struggling to keep up. I'm on the go. Like the song says, "ain't no stoppin' us now, we on the move." But shyt... on the real, it's hard keeping at this pace and so I will be blogging about this struggle.

Peace.