THE BREAKDOWN
On Saturday, November 12, 2005 at approximately 11:15AM on the corner of Broadway and 66th St in Manhattan, I had what I call a breakdown. A breakdown is when you been avoiding something’s that has been bothering you for a while and you finally release those energies. I haven't publicly cried like that since April 2004. The tears that I've been holding on had to be release.
Background information: The last couple of weeks, I have been blessed to meet a couple of influential leaders both locally and nationally. This is not unusual, but lately events have been back to back. I'm constantly meeting someone who I aspire to be.
Wednesday. I picked up last week's issue of TIME Magazine; the cover story was on the Secrets of Ambition. The story highlighted the fact that Ambition is apart of someone’s character... that it isn't a learned behavior. Anyone who knows me would say that I am very ambitious. I have always been.
Thursday. My job had end of the year evaluations. Both of my superiors gave me a great review. They both are African Americans who have been working in their field for more than 60 years collectively. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Why? Both of them looked me into my eyes and said over 10 times how much potential I have to become extremely successful. Not to brag, but I've heard this throughout my life, just not within the last couple of months. I do not have a close personal relationship with either of them yet I had instilled an impression of success. I was thankful for their criticism on how I could be better.
Thursday Night. One of my best friend’s father bought me a ticket for the 100 Black Men of New York Annual Gala. This is the second time in a row that he has invited me. They were honoring Diddy, Wynton Marsalis and Willie Randolph of the Mets. Last year, I felt awkward being around so many wealthy people. This year, I really didn't give a darn because they are people just like the rest of us. In fact, I had a wonderful time; my best friend and I tore the dance floor up. Stacie J. from The Apprentice approached me from behind and tried to get some of my sugar, lol.
After the Gala, I returned to my homegirl’s resting spot on the Upper West Side. I stayed in the apartment watching television and on the phone with Visitor. I got dressed early Saturday morning because I wanted to go to brunch and to the movies. On my walk from 98th St towards 66th St, I stared at everyone who passed me, just wondering how it would feel to live and afford residing on the UWS. I glanced at many couples that were walking their cute little dogs. In a blink, I felt lonely. Here I am on the brink of success, yet I'm not as happy as I ought to be.
My walk started to slow down. I ended up buying the latest copy of Black Enterprise. The cover showcased the Hot List, America's Most Powerful Players under 40. I scanned the pages and started to question myself. Am I going to achieve the magnitude of what I call successful? Why aren't I on this list at 24? How am I going to take my career to the next level? When am I going to enter a relationship when I can support them and they can support me? Who am I? What am I? Where do I need to be? When will I achieve my goals? Why hasn't it happened yet? How am I going to achieve it? My body and soul started to fill up with all types of uncertainty.
I finally arrived to the movie theatre to purchase my ticket. In her shoes was starting two hours later. As I left, I called my mother and started to tell her about my anxiety. Tears started to fall. I told my mom that I firmly believe that I have the potential to become an Advocate for oppressed people around the world, that I can become a successful entrepreneur and live a happy life, among other things. My heart stopped, I couldn't breathe. That's when my tears came falling like the water in the Niagara Falls. It wasn't one of those little cries, I cried HARD. Right on the streets of Lincoln Square. I cried because I saw my vision, yet I had doubt that I could turn my vision into reality. I think I cried for about 15 minutes.
I told my mom about two big endeavors of 2006 that will take me into the next couple of steps of building my career. My mom reminded me that I was only twenty-four and that I've come a long way. She identified a couple of things that I need to work on. Then I started crying again because I'm grateful for having her in my life. In my dark hour, just her listening ear lifted my hand with praise. Thank you Jesus!
My anxiety got the best of me. It wasn't for a long time, but I needed my breakdown. I remembered my thoughts on Diligence. I wrote in that post, Can you think of a black successful person who has not gone through a tremendous amount of adversity? So I had to think about how I would write in my memoir my Lincoln Square Breakdown. Then I thought about my connection with someone that has the potential to develop into a fruitful relationship. I thought about my present hardships being a part of the testimony that will inspire others. I thought about my faith leading me into God's plan.
It is so easy to lose hope! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a great position in my life but I want better. I don't feel there is anything wrong with that. This desire will give me that strength to Keep on Pushin. And I will keep pushin until I get to the mountain top! No matter what, I am the Master of my Fate/ The Captain of my Soul!
Y'all better watch out for me!
I'm still The Unconquerable Soul!
On Saturday, November 12, 2005 at approximately 11:15AM on the corner of Broadway and 66th St in Manhattan, I had what I call a breakdown. A breakdown is when you been avoiding something’s that has been bothering you for a while and you finally release those energies. I haven't publicly cried like that since April 2004. The tears that I've been holding on had to be release.
Background information: The last couple of weeks, I have been blessed to meet a couple of influential leaders both locally and nationally. This is not unusual, but lately events have been back to back. I'm constantly meeting someone who I aspire to be.
Wednesday. I picked up last week's issue of TIME Magazine; the cover story was on the Secrets of Ambition. The story highlighted the fact that Ambition is apart of someone’s character... that it isn't a learned behavior. Anyone who knows me would say that I am very ambitious. I have always been.
Thursday. My job had end of the year evaluations. Both of my superiors gave me a great review. They both are African Americans who have been working in their field for more than 60 years collectively. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Why? Both of them looked me into my eyes and said over 10 times how much potential I have to become extremely successful. Not to brag, but I've heard this throughout my life, just not within the last couple of months. I do not have a close personal relationship with either of them yet I had instilled an impression of success. I was thankful for their criticism on how I could be better.
Thursday Night. One of my best friend’s father bought me a ticket for the 100 Black Men of New York Annual Gala. This is the second time in a row that he has invited me. They were honoring Diddy, Wynton Marsalis and Willie Randolph of the Mets. Last year, I felt awkward being around so many wealthy people. This year, I really didn't give a darn because they are people just like the rest of us. In fact, I had a wonderful time; my best friend and I tore the dance floor up. Stacie J. from The Apprentice approached me from behind and tried to get some of my sugar, lol.
After the Gala, I returned to my homegirl’s resting spot on the Upper West Side. I stayed in the apartment watching television and on the phone with Visitor. I got dressed early Saturday morning because I wanted to go to brunch and to the movies. On my walk from 98th St towards 66th St, I stared at everyone who passed me, just wondering how it would feel to live and afford residing on the UWS. I glanced at many couples that were walking their cute little dogs. In a blink, I felt lonely. Here I am on the brink of success, yet I'm not as happy as I ought to be.
My walk started to slow down. I ended up buying the latest copy of Black Enterprise. The cover showcased the Hot List, America's Most Powerful Players under 40. I scanned the pages and started to question myself. Am I going to achieve the magnitude of what I call successful? Why aren't I on this list at 24? How am I going to take my career to the next level? When am I going to enter a relationship when I can support them and they can support me? Who am I? What am I? Where do I need to be? When will I achieve my goals? Why hasn't it happened yet? How am I going to achieve it? My body and soul started to fill up with all types of uncertainty.
I finally arrived to the movie theatre to purchase my ticket. In her shoes was starting two hours later. As I left, I called my mother and started to tell her about my anxiety. Tears started to fall. I told my mom that I firmly believe that I have the potential to become an Advocate for oppressed people around the world, that I can become a successful entrepreneur and live a happy life, among other things. My heart stopped, I couldn't breathe. That's when my tears came falling like the water in the Niagara Falls. It wasn't one of those little cries, I cried HARD. Right on the streets of Lincoln Square. I cried because I saw my vision, yet I had doubt that I could turn my vision into reality. I think I cried for about 15 minutes.
I told my mom about two big endeavors of 2006 that will take me into the next couple of steps of building my career. My mom reminded me that I was only twenty-four and that I've come a long way. She identified a couple of things that I need to work on. Then I started crying again because I'm grateful for having her in my life. In my dark hour, just her listening ear lifted my hand with praise. Thank you Jesus!
My anxiety got the best of me. It wasn't for a long time, but I needed my breakdown. I remembered my thoughts on Diligence. I wrote in that post, Can you think of a black successful person who has not gone through a tremendous amount of adversity? So I had to think about how I would write in my memoir my Lincoln Square Breakdown. Then I thought about my connection with someone that has the potential to develop into a fruitful relationship. I thought about my present hardships being a part of the testimony that will inspire others. I thought about my faith leading me into God's plan.
It is so easy to lose hope! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a great position in my life but I want better. I don't feel there is anything wrong with that. This desire will give me that strength to Keep on Pushin. And I will keep pushin until I get to the mountain top! No matter what, I am the Master of my Fate/ The Captain of my Soul!
Y'all better watch out for me!
I'm still The Unconquerable Soul!
Posted by Unconquerable Soul at 12:57 PM::
14 Comments:
Yo - great post. You make valid points about your experiences and where you are. Speaking from a man that not only knows you (to a degree), and also someone who's been where you are - I had to realize one thing: Ain't nobody gonna be me, but me - so let me get to it.
I too heard that potential speech my ENTIRE LIFE! About a good year ago I finally came into the reality that it's time to start putting the rubber to the road. For the most part, I looked for affirmation from others and when I got things like "you've got great potential," that tore me up on the inside. So, I started living for who I am and who I know God created me to be. This meant that no longer did I or can I depend on the affirmation of other people. If I learned on thing from Jesus it's that folks will talk regardless...some will make sense, and some won't - but one still has work to do!
At this point, you can just about answer your own questions. You're an intelligent guy. You have dreams and ambition. Hell, you have an unconquerable soul - so at this point, keep pushing. Look at yourself, and honestly ask - what do u need to do? Once you get that answer...then start doing it. Make up in your mind that you're going to acheive these things for yourself and do as King David did...encourage you! This WON'T be easy, but it's necessary!
Look out man, ain't nothing stopping you but you. 24 don't mean a thing except if you plan now, you could be doing ya thing for a good while to come. Make sure you have a plan together and stick to it! I'm encouraging you to step it up - you're in your prime. You've got convictions about life and society - makes no sense for you to have them and not do anything about them. If that's what important to you, the money will come.
I'm here, if you need me!
Coming Into Reality,
-Jamal
Thanks Jamal for your comment. It's always appreciated. You already know about some of my plans. I think my breakdown was about reminding MYSELF that "I know I can, be what I want to be, if I work hard at it, I’ll be where I want to be." I must keep my diligent attitude towards my goals.
Wow! Your post is very intense. I've heard the potential thing all my life as well. I know how you felt at 100 Black Men. My father is a member of the Atlanta chapter. I've attended their annual events and it is a little overwhelming at first. It's a great networking tool. I'm glad that you had your "breakdown." I think that you can move forward from that point. I feel that if you keep your eye on God and keep the faith then everything will manifest itself in God's time. I know that we want things to work out when we want them too, but if God is going to prepare a place for us then it must be in his time. Press on brother!
thank you man, for being strong, for being a man and being able to let go and thank you for inspiration.
i have told you so many time how great i think you are and how i see so many great things for your future in the few times we have talked.
you are doing it big man, continue to let God work with you and in you.
you will have all your heart desires if you believe it is possible and have faith in the path you are walking in ...
You have to look to your inner strength for validation of where you are in life and where you must go. Your supervisors who comment that you have great potential are probably looking more at your age (24 is really young), and the years ahead of you wherein you will achieve so much. You have the time to do it all. Take it from me, when I see young men (and women) who are bright, talented, ambitious and achieving with the ability to go further than I was able to go at their age, I encourage them to use their maximum potential as well. Not only for their personal goal achievement, but for making the community around them a better place as well. Your writings alone in this blog are rational, reasoned and articulate. That tells me that you have a gift that you can (and must) use in the coming years to do the kinds of things that I have mentioned. Don't be discouraged; be encouraged. The tears are reflective, but don't dwell too much on where you are or where you have come from, but rather on where you are going and how you are going to get there. Sounds like many folks are in your corner including a great Mom. Shem hotep!
you already know that God will keep you...so i must share with you the words i extracted from a painting i came across a few months ago.....DESIRE WILL CARRY YOU.
I am so feeling this post right here...very intense, real, opem and ture...
I have them dang frang panic attacks...but I'm invincible yo!
Keep Movin' baby!:)
This is such a well written intense piece of work. Let me remind you of this, at 24 you are in a position to do more than most folks your age...you seem very intelligent, professional, and appears to be making the right connections. But don't stress yourself out. You are young, you have time to develop your skills, trained for the dream job, acquire material things and build up your self esteem. Why don't you feel accomplished? Are you setting standards at this age based on someone else? If so, please don't do that. You are you and we have to take steps to achieve the things we want. I set a goal. By the time I am 28 I will build my home from the ground be married and have a child. I started working toward that goal ten years before. Guess what! It took baby steps, I did it. But it was my planned steps, no one elses. Have you talked to God and added Him to your plan? Have you shared the desires of your heart with Him? My Bible tells me that God will give you all the desires of your heart if you ask him. Matthew 7:7. Be bless. You have a job, your health, a great mom who you can share with and friends who care about you. What's missing? Utopia? All I am trying to say is this, we must take steps to be the kind of major success story , that will land on Time Magazine. Please give your self time and make a plan and don't let no one turn you around. But please have faith and confidence in yourself that you are certainly on the right path because you have one gift that many will never have and that is "desire". I don't even know you but I know with the writing skills that you have to tell this story, you are just steps away from your goals. Peace be with you and many blessings, because I know you are just around the corner from the place you want to be. Just believe and ask for it....
As one of the most brilliant men I've known, I have no doubt you will be everything you expect to be, and more. The drive and dedication you have for change is inspiring, and your business acumen is staggering. You'll leave the rest of us in the wind, we'll just try to keep up. ;-) Don't you even worry bout a damn thing.
What a great blog entry. Yes, we all get lonely, some more than others, but the people that really count are there for you time and time again. In your case, it's your mother.
By the way, I changed my blog address. Check out my profile for the link. Update your bookmarks and blogrolls!
Boo - who!!! Man if you don't stop that damn public crying... If I was there I would have slapped the shit out of you, told you to suck that shit up, and gave you a big hug. Then we would have politely made it back to your house and allowed for a nice private cry then. Now that is what I am talking about.
Yo man you are goood. Trust me things come in time. You encourage me all the time, reassuring me that things for me will be great. That I do know. You need to know the same man. Everyone can not make moves all at the same time but when it happens they will not be ready. Trust that!!!
WOW! One year ago this week, I went through something very similiar to this. Here we are a year later and I've quit my good government job, started a company and I'm living in my dream. You have no idea how refreshing it is to know I'm not the only one. I enjoyed this post so much it will definitely be the Blog Entry of The Week on my page. Also you talked about being critique by your managers and I wanted to share something with you that one of my mentors shared with me several years ago and it's helped me tremendously. Stop using critize and critique b/c they are so often associated with negativity. Try using feedback instead. Same thing, different word choice, positive thinking. Makes a HUGE difference trust me I know. Try it on and see how u like it. Excellent post! Keep shining and I'll see you at the top. (or on the cover of a future BE sharing the top 40 under 40 issue :)
God created the entire Universe, all life on various planets, and humanity in what we consider millions of years, but a blink of an eye to GOD.
Our people have created huge pyramids with there bare hands. And then brought our people out of slavery with our determination and ambition. All over a couple of decades.
What I'm saying is, sometimes it takes time to make things come into light, and sometimes it happens in a blink of an eye... but that ambition is always there. Just be ready when your time comes!
Love u man,
ShawnQt
Whenever you go through emotions so deep, complex and personal, and you feel that you are alone, you should just remember that there's one person there for you that knows EXACTLY what you are feeling.
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