The Unconquerable Soul

2008-01-13T16:22:00.000-05:00

new stuff about me.. hehehe

Well, since my Nov. 7th post, I started going to a new church. I heard about the preacher from a couple of associates and wanted to check it out. The first sermon I heard him preach, he touched on HIV/AIDS, environmentalism, race, poverty and homophobia. (yes, homophobia!) I've never attended a local church that preached against homophobia. Anyhow, over the last couple of weeks, I felt like this was the place to be as I rediscover myself. Today, the pastor hit on some topics about life and God that touched my soul and when it was time for the invitation to discipleship a brotha walked down the aisle like he was matthew, paul or mark. lol. yes, I joined the church! A church that welcomes ALL of ME.

I wanted to write this long post about 2007 to recapture many of the ups and downs and decided I rather take myself out to dinner and think about it on New Years Eve. So yeah, that's what I did.

On New Years Day, I told my two best friends about what's really good with me. Plainly, I told them about my sexuality. I was very nervous about telling the male because I was unsure how he would react. Overall, it was a great experience. My peeps were not completely surprise (which i already knew) they welcomed me with open arms. I nearly cried when the male BFF embraced me like never before. I left feeling empowered and ready to tell everyone and their momma. LOL! Since New Years, I have this strange confidence in myself. My boss is the next person to confirm... i may tell y'all about that.

anyhow, I'm inspired to continue the work that has been put before me. it a rough and rocky road and sometimes lonely but I'm getting through it more smoothly. When my brother Barack said "Yes, we can," it makes me believe that tomorrow will be a better day because "we will."

oh yeah. guess what? i lost 6lbs since Jan 1st. Go me. lol

2007-12-27T07:06:00.000-05:00

A couple of random thoughts...

Go see the Great Debaters. Denzel put it down! The sista from Eve's Bayou did an incredible job. Although, I was on my forensic team, I never competed as an debater. This movie made me regret not taking that opportunity.

Mary's new joint. The album is Hott. Last week was my first time listening to all the words in "Just Fine.". (I know I'm late, lol) Why did I played the song over 20times before listening to the entire time. The last two times, I began jumping around like I'm on Grey's Anatomy. Tears began to roll down my face like this song was my gospel... It blew me away!

The Writers strike is really starting to fyck with my shows. I need new episodes of Grey's, Private Practice, Life, Brothers and Sisters and Dirty Sexy Money. (FYI: I'm not a couch potato, I was my shoes online on Sundays, lol). At least Law and Order is coming back! Yay!

Over the last month, I spent almost a week in San Fran and New Orleans for work. (We are going to LA at the end of Jan) San Fran/Oakland was dope. New Orleans was a great experience! I can't wait to go back. Why did I have more fun at this conference than my week long cruise in the bahamas? That housing shyt is ridiculous, we must continue to pray for our displace brothers and sisters from there..

I'm thinking about changing my blog in the new year. As I reshape parts of my live in 08, I need this outlet to express some thoughts.

I'm working on a year of review post, but I don't think I'll have time to type it before Jan 1st.

Thank goodness for my phone. My last three postings have been done on my blackberry.

A change has began in me.

I ready to embrace it.

2007-11-19T00:23:00.000-05:00

So, "I'm here"

I'm waiting on a red eye flight from the west coast back east. I arrive a hour ahead of boarding and just found out my six hour flight is leaving two and half hours late. So yeah, I feel liking updating my blog (I love my new phone, lol).

I have written several posts in the same vein as "make me over again" and decided not to post them. Those posts are depressing and don't reflect how I feel most of the time. Anyhow, I've been searching and praying for answers. God has been placing books, tv shows and news articles in front of me that addresses anger amongst black men.

I was watching Gil Noble's program, "Like It Is," last sunday and his guest spoke about as much as we have programs to help develop positive black males we have been able to tackle aggression but not anger. This lead me to begin to look at myself and the frustrated and confused space I've been living in.

Considering that my good out weighs the bad and I can't seem to find the beat of I won't complain, I'm having trouble with expressing my anger. Usually, when things are tough, I cry it out but this year I haven't been weeping my sorrows. The shadows of being pissed off began to appear in my visions which sparked me into being angry with no one to kick, punch, yell, email, smack or curse someone out but myself. Creating a section in my everyday life that is not healthy.

I had lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. We updated each other on what was going on professionally in our lives. This is another young, black and gifted brother. He showed me glimpses of things I've experience recently. As much as I know it is not all about me, I must continuously recognize that I AM NOT ALONE. Our lunch as brief as it may have been brought me pass my state of distress.

On some real shyt, I'm still angry. After attending multiple rallies within the last two weeks against hate, violence, racism and police brutality I'm angry. After looking in the mirror and knowing I can be better I'm angry. Shyt, even thinking about going to work after I land pisses me off. But, its OK... I'm human and I can not use this anger to attack me, my vision and goals.

Like using the principle of sankofa, I must look to the past as I conquer the future. My past says it all! I have the capability and ambition to move forward.

While I was on the west coast, I went to see The Color Purple for the second time. The musical spoke to me differently. When Celie reaches to the point of self-reliance and security which is marked when she tells Mister, "I maybe Black... Poor... And maybe Ugly. I'm here!" I had one of those Oprah Ah Ha moment. Yo, the line as it does in the movie killed my anger emotions softly. I'm here. No matter how imperfect I am. I'm here. No matter how disappointing the world may seem to be. I'm here. No matter how much I fear to fail. I'm still here. I'm here moving forward, knowing the sky is not the limit and reaching for the motha fycking stars!

So look into the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. Nah, its UNCONQUERABLESOUL!

2007-11-07T22:55:00.000-05:00

Make me over again!

I've been thinking about a lot of shyt. (no this isn't another unedited shyt post, lol) From my present state with my endeavors to my personal life, I have lost much of my strength and faith.

A couple of times a week, I find myself comtemplating on giving up on life. I have been granted with many blessing and have used them for the greater good. However, I'm sadden by the fact so many of us (people of color) have uncontrolable amounts of ego, don't know about systemic issues, talk the talk and don't walk the walk, and act like crabs in a barrel. Certainly, no one told me that my work would be easy but, I always felt my community would have my back.

Outside of my constant attempts to empower my community, I'm failing myself. I haven't been around family much, not saving as much as I should, gaining weight and feeling alone. Times are rough! It seems as though I'm back at the starting point. I remember my last blog (smilingdl for my long time readers) and even parts of unconquerable and these feeling feel the same but at a higher level. I always felt that God was placing obstacle in my way to prepare me for a greater task.

As much as I know tomorrow is a brighter day, I don't want to face the sunlight that morning brings. Bringing my darkness to light. I'm tired and lazy and rather stick with today.

I'm disappointed in mentors, politics, my community and myself.

My deepest fear is not that I'm inadequate, it's that I'm POWORFUL BEYOND MEASURE. I'm so fucking scared about my next steps. Given the positions that I hold, real substancial action must take place soon, my network must continually expand, and I must learn about the past and future. These task are self imposed.

My vision is crystal clear but the path toward the vision is in uncharted territory which frightens me.

Where do I go from here?

Back to Church...

Sent from a BlackBerry.

2007-10-19T23:24:00.000-04:00

Unedited Shyt

I got some shyt that stinks. The shyt that stinks is preventing me from taking a strong stand on some other shyt. And my shyt is fixable, but I choose to let my shyt sit there in my hiding place. Although, I'm the only one that can smell it (for now), if someone gets close enough or if I provoke someone... they will discover my shyt is right under me. It baffles me that I won't take control of this shyt because it is not telling what will happen to me if I attempt to move it or when will it be completely removed.

I hate this shyt.

But, sometimes I feel like everyone got some shyt to deal with. This makes me think... why not expose my...

SHYT

2007-05-02T20:38:00.000-04:00

Crabs in a barrel

I've heard many times throughout my life community elders complaining about why do we (black folks) act like "crabs in a barrel." I never paid attention to it until recently. Well, like I blog before, I talk about some positive things happening in my life that were clearly met with some adversity.

The first three months of the year, I felt that people were attacking me, The Unconquerable Soul. After much prayer and talking it out with some close friends, I've come to a conclusion. Folks aren't attacking me, they are attacking what I representing. I represent a young generation that is determine to succeed more than my ancestors. Shouldn't we all think this way? I pray that the generation that comes after me will surpass my achievements by far. And instead of me creating road blocks, I will get on my hands and knees and allow the younger generation to climb on top of my back. Because if they don't, they may suffer greater loss as a people. Whatever happen to lifting as we climb.

These vitious attacks are most dishearting because majority of these attackers look like me. BLACK FOLKS. Some even my recently former mentors.

As a young socially and politically conscious black man I can no longer hold back my talents, ambitious and compassion on the account of threatening someones "status." It's not like I'm Barack running for president, Tyra attempting to surpass Oprah, or even Kanye or TI building a long lasting music media empire. I'm just someone who has been blessed to be in a position of influence attempting to get something positive done in my community.

Last week, I reached a new point when one of those recently former mentors, sent out an e-mail attacking me without saying my name. I read the e-mail and kept it moving. I told my confidents I didn't want to hear about anything that anyone had to say about me because clearly people are worried about me the person and not what I'm aiming to do for others. The work to be done is more important than me.

It's sad. I will be honest. I am very opinionate. A lot of shyt I keep to my damn self and if you are close to me you get to hear some of it. The shyt i'm most opinionate about is shyt I know a lot about and can back my shyt up. But, I'm finding more and more people having that damn barber shop chat and don't know the facts nor the in-your-face meaning on what's going on in our society.

This happens in all areas... if you are working in party promoter --- people are hating... if you a manager at a retail store --- people are hating... if you bought that new car that you love --- people are hating --- if you getting your doctorate --- people are hating. THERE ARE HATERS EVERYWHERE FOR EVERY DAMN THINGS LIKE A 99cents STORE!!!

To my brothers and sisters reading this: I love you! Do The Damn Thing! And I'm praying that your are bless more than you can ever imagine. But, most importantly, I am praying that you have the strength to combat the forces that will be against you.

That's all.

Peace

2007-03-21T21:13:00.000-04:00

On the go...

Blogworld, it's been a mighty long time since I've shared anything with you. I've been moving forward fast and I had to write about my adjusting to my new found influence, power, breaking point, stress level and money. (no i ain't rich, but got some more dough coming in, lol)

Last year was monumental for me. It set the tone for my future. All of my major goals 0were accomplished, which was accompanied by great pain and confusion. I had several low points that I prayed up to God and the blessing came down, truly more than I deserve. I found myself, analyzing how far I've come from the midst of darkness. My love for myself has increase and constantly amazed by my strength and diligence.

The last goal was accomplished right before Christmas. I received my dream job. I swear to you, when I received the phone call after the fourth interview, I felt like Will Smith at the end of Pursuit of Happyness. MAN, I WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND HAD A LONG "THANK YOU JESUS MOMENT."

I entered the new year with breaking new ground for the future.

And when the job started, a reaccuring dream began. I dreamt that I was preparing for an Olympic race, I reassured myself that "I, the UNCONQUERABLE SOUL" was ready to finish first. When the race finally started, I blew everyone away, but my stamina kept me from keeping the top spot. My body crammed up, I began to cry and prayed for strength to at least finish the race.

Suddenly, I had the feeling that I should stop running because I would lose the race. Then another part of me kick in and said, "you didn't make all this effort to not finish." So yeah, I closed my eyes and struggled to finish. Struggled long and hard. Stuggled without an ounce of energy. And the crowd watching told me to open my eyes and I was on my last lap ahead of everyone and ended up winning the race.

This dream is what I'm living right now. I'm in this race and struggling to keep up. I'm on the go. Like the song says, "ain't no stoppin' us now, we on the move." But shyt... on the real, it's hard keeping at this pace and so I will be blogging about this struggle.

Peace.

2006-07-10T10:54:00.000-04:00

Top 5 things I'm loving right now...

1. From Top to Bottom by Michael-Christopher. The handsome M-C was in the city a couple of weeks ago for an event hosting by "Seven." Unfortunately, I couldn't make the event, but I discovered that he has written a new book. I orded it immediately! This book definitely provokes dialogue about how the black g-life community assigned sexual roles. I acted like many of the characters at some of my life. This page-tuner will have you examining your own views when it comes to top/bot/vers. PLEASE GO BUY HIS BOOK. Especially before Derrick Book Club special discussion during Pride in the City! It's bound to be hot and heavy!

Devil Wears Prada - I know all of y'all heard about this movie. I LOVED IT. Meryl is hilarious. I went by myself and it was soo funny because I think i was the only black guy out of a hundred movie goers. So you know they knew what is really good, LOL.

SexyBack - I have to admit to something I don't think i've revealed before. But, I love Justin Timberlake. Yes, I'm a dork! But Justified was off the CHAIN. And his lastest single, SexyBack is FIRE! Download it right now! I played it back-t0-back 20 times when I first downloaded it. This song is going to have the kids acting up!

My apartment - Although I'm lite on the furniture.. I'm loving the peace and quiet. It's priceless. I really want to plan a card party before the summer ends.

Testing Negative - I organized an HIV Testing Day in my neighborhood. It was apart of National HIV Testing Day. It was a huge success, a lot of young black brothers and sisters were tested for the first time. My friend and I are going to try to set something up quarterly. Well, I was the last one to get tested. Although I don't partake in high risk activities, I know I do a lil somethin somethin, I'm always neverous about being tested. Thankfully, I tested negative and started doing my hallelujah dance and then the running man.

My Mentor - I have a couple of mentors that advise and encourage me. My mentor I've done the longest probably knows what I'm going through in regards to the racism that I'm experiences from my job search. She actually gave me the heads up of someone that wouldn't mind adding me to his team yesterday. She is a strong black woman that holds me and the community down. I'm soo thankful that I have her in my life.

Endeavor Part II & III (there are four in 06) is coming up in September and I swear to goodness, my ass will be stressed the f-out. But, i'm just excited on what is about to happen. I hope this job comes through first.

Anyhow, I had to write a fluff post.... I didn't want y'all thinking i'm going crazy and depress (well, um, yeah, hehehe). Hope everyone had a good weekend!

2006-07-06T09:17:00.000-04:00

Breathe and Stop.. For Real and Give It All I Got

I can't believe that we are halfway into 2006. So much has happen in a small amount of time. Nonetheless, I'm proud of the many improvements I've made in different areas of my life. I have some stuff I want to get off my chess. Yeah, I know you saying he only blogs when bad stuff happens, well not really but it's like kinda like therapy for me.

Like I told you before, I recently moved into my new place... I'm enjoying the peace and quiet when I'm home. My job hunt is frustrating. Now, I'm not sensitive when it comes to race. But, racism certainly still exist. I don't want to go into details, but those of you that have been a victim of racial prejudice know it's a frustration that only leads to anger. And on several occasions I know I was a victim of the pigment of my skin.

I actually started to drink more heavily. The success of the Endeavor has me stressed. My new place rent has doubled and I'm really worried if I don't get a new job soon my lil savings will be empty by September. I'm being pulled in many directions, attempting to please everybody. I'm failing miserably. The past couple of days there have been moments of crying. First crying to God because I don't know what is going on. Don't get me wrong things are moving forward, but internally I'm not. Then crying because I'm blessed to be who I have grown to be and for all that I have. So, after these cries for help... I feel better because I'm leaning on the victory.

But still... I drank my worries so I can sleep.

My dad is a functional alcoholic. My mother’s ex-husband was also an alcoholic. My grandfather was an alcoholic. And here I am on their path to destruction. People that are close to me would never guess how much I was drinking at home by myself. I don't even think people I spoke online could tell that after 11pm I was drunk. I was truly functional and depressed. So....

For the past couple of days, I've been reading the bible. Seeking direction. (Proverb new living version is off the hook) And as I read Romans 15:1-13 I breathe in the last verse of this passage. So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Gladly, at that moment I stopped and felt like God was telling me, "You need to chill out, especially with that drinking. I got you." I swear to goodness! I believe I need confirmation that everything is going to be more than OK. I felted compelled to call a spiritual friend facing similar situations for some much needed discussion on spirituality. As we chatted, I poured out all of the alchol that I had in my fridge.

Apart of me felt guilty about doing some things because I knew better. I guess my faith isn't where it ought to be. But, I’m praying that my trust in God will become stronger…

2006-06-12T20:41:00.000-04:00

Wassup people?

I know I'm still neglecting my blogging duties. But, I've been progressing on a couple of things in my life. I finally found a place to live. There were a few apartments that I really wanted. When I couldn't speak Spanish or Portugese the owner/landlord would hang up and I would dial again... and yup they wouldn't pick up the darn phone. Anyhow, I found a large two bedroom apartment reasonably priced in a very diverse neighborhood. I intend on turning the other bedroom into a workout/office/card playing room. I'm moving in tomorrow and it's going to take two weeks to cut on the gas and cable. That sucks!

The job search is still going. I have my eye on a wonderful opportunity... it is going to take some time. I'm going to claim it in August.

**************************************************************

It's summer time and I don't feel like clubbing. The past couple of weekends, I've been attending events and chilling at home watching repeats law and order. Surprisely, I've been feeling quite satified. Don't get me wrong, i have my little moments, but I'm seriously trying to rest my body. This whole year I've been running around and I just need to take a few seconds and breathe.

2006-05-15T19:13:00.000-04:00

I'm late with my post. I KNOW! MY BAD!

I've been contemplating on a couple of subjects I wanted to address in my comeback post. I began a couple but couldn't end the entries. So I just decided to tell you what's poppin with me.

I'm going through a major transition in my life. The Endeavor I was pursuing turned to be very successful. During that journey I have gain many new outlooks on life. Being diligent was one of the hardest things I had to deal with. I'm sure I'll expand on that on a later post.

This transition is like no other. Almost all aspects of my life are changing. This change is quite overwhelming, but I'm keep the faith that it's for the best. I'm choosing this life adjustment.

Currently, I'm on the prowl for a new position and apartment. My job has given me a great opportunity to assist those who are in need and I don't see myself growing further in my current position. (plus, I want some more money, LOL) The lease to the house my roommate sand I rent ends next month and I've decided to live on my own again... It's time to have some privacy to do you know what.. hehehe, sike nah!

Well, I haven't dated, touched, kissed, sucked, ate out someone in over eight months. I'm laughing right now as I leave out that little three minute bump session in Nov... but that don't count. I had a few opportunities pass me by.. but after having strong feelings and bangin sex with Dear Summer (my boo last summer). I know i'm better than a one night stand. Not to say, I don't want to kick-it with a play buddy. However, I went this long and will continue to hold onto my self-control (hehehe) until I get involve with someone.

While pursuing my endeavor, I had many brief moments of loneliness. I'm chill. Not press with getting into something with anybody. (this is big for me.. because if y'all knew me as smiling, I was feening to get involve with someone). It gets tough moving forward and wanting someone to come home to. And it's even tougher when you know the feeling of loving someone. Shyt is amazing! Aiight, I'm not going to go into it. But, I just feeling ready. Ready to get to know someone.

Knowing someone on a friendship level would be kewl too. I don't really have any close friends now. I'm dealing with it quite well. (that's how i feel right now as i type this, LOL) I guess because I've taken on mentoring seven young black men with one of my friends. They are from the ages of 15 to 19. And I love them with all of my heart. They are the main people that believed and assisted me with pursuing the Endeavor. It's kewl to see my impact on their lives.

My faith has grown tremendously. Since January, I have been through a couple of tough trials and tribulations. During these times, I remembered something Willie Gary said at the 100 Black Men Gala in 2004, "Tough times don't last, tough people do." So I went on to put God first and came out on top with the Endeavor. Right now, I'm praying for direction and understanding because this transition has been stressful. I'm on some type of emotional roller coaster.. I'm steady going up and then unexpectedly I drop a little bit and go back up.. and so on.

As much as I've grown, I still have miles to go before I rest......... well that's it.. i don't feel like editing.. I'll try to update when I can.

peace

2006-04-16T18:09:00.000-04:00

When a Man looks in the Mirror
orginally posted in October '05

To love yourself is to accept yourself and no one can define that for you. You just know. It’s one of those AH HA moments that are featured in O – The Oprah Magazine.

It has been a long rough and rocky road on my journey towards full acceptance of myself. As times goes on, I believe most of us change and this evolution sheds light on many things that we didn’t know about ourselves. We visualize the man in the mirror.

For some of us, we tend to avoid looking in that mirror, because there is a big chance that we may see our scars (flaws). This has occurred many times during my life. Unfortunately, some of those scars are for life, while many of them, can be fixed if properly treated.

I suppose there are a few people that are unaware of the wonders of Cocoa Butter. It’s not like magic, when you could apply the lotion once and BOOM the scar disappears. In fact, it takes time to heal, some of those scars(flaws) take longer to heal than others. But, we must also take into consideration that if we do not look at the man in the mirror we can never point out the flaws and tackle them, as God will. If unattended, these scars can spread and affect other parts of our body. (Think about it!) We tend to be victimized by the vernacular remarks that others say to us. “You’re FAT! You’re UGLY! You’re a FAG!” These comments break us down to a point where we start to accept them without even asking ourselves, is it true?

As a black man, I have been called many things. For a long time, I immediately accepted these remarks as truth, and denied myself strength to look in the mirror for myself. Others dictated how I felt at any given moment. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a bad mutha--- shut your mouth---, got my stuff together. I’ve always been a leader, but when it came down to it I was affected by every single comment that was given to me. This just fueled my anxiety, again, denying myself a glimpse of who I truly was.

Surprisingly, some of us will look into that mirror and notice many Beauty Marks, symbolizing our inner and outer beauty. I think sometimes, we wait for someone to give us a compliment in order to envision these Beauty Marks. We even wait for that degree, that promotion or the moment that person at the club we have been watching for months finally approaches us… to know that we are Special. The small praises that have been given to me inspired the faux idea that I knew who I was. These have been my excuses to avoid looking at that man in the mirror.

That waiting period for other opinions can leave us insecure, scared and restless. While unacquainted with who really are, we still continue to avoid looking in that mirror.

My association with someone over the summer planted a seed of fruit to nourish my body’s strength to turn the fyck around and face the mirror. It seems as though; I’ve had my back toward the mirror for a while. I stole split second glances at myself.

This whole year, I have been reaching my turning point. I was rotating like D’Angelo in the “How does it feel” video! (I wish I had that body, lol!) Starting from my back facing the mirror, I slowly turned towards seeing myself. I was scared, frightened at what I may see. As the blemishes cleared my reality and I was able to see me in my entirety, my revelation unveiled strength, gratefulness, love, self-love, spirit, beauty, happiness, new smiles, the past, present and my bright future. At the same time it showed loneliness, fear, anxiety, and envy in a way that taught me where it came from and how I must win those battles.

By viewing the Man in the Mirror, you finally see TRUTH. Your Truth. The vision of yourself is like the Phoenix out of ashes you are reborn. This Truth is realizing that you are not perfect, but accepting and working towards healing your scars (flaws) that can only bring forth the evolution of who you are to become.

After we have explored our nakedness and accepted every good and bad thing about ourselves, we have reached another turning point. We have finally realized we all have an Unconquerable Soul.

An Unconquerable Soul leaves room for fears and disappointment, including some brief relapses, which I’m sure I’ll post about. But, most importantly, the acknowledgment of this Unconquerable Soul increases the amount of hope, dedication and commitment. Gears are shifted towards feeling unbreakable and invincible.

The past couple of months, I have been seriously making moves toward achieving all my present endeavors. I have even been preparing for some future undertakings. Right now, I choose to face adversity, instead of ignoring it. I will gain strength with every trial and tribulation that comes my way. I learned the greatest lesson of my life thus far, MY SELF WORTH!

Since this has been discovered, I am unbeatable! Sho Nuff! I am unbreakable! Sho Nuff! I AM THE UNCONQUERABLE SOUL!

The past few months have been extremely busy for me. The endeavor I have been pursuing is reaching it's finale on Tuesday. Pray for me. Stay tune for my next posting... April 26th.

Peace

2006-02-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

i hope you haven't forgotten me... i've been very busy.. but expect a post from me on Sunday...

peace and blessings

2006-01-26T14:08:00.000-05:00

Thee Questions Part II

Antney asked...

1) Have You Ever Cried to A Love Song?

Of course, I've cried to a love song. When I'm happy and sad about love I listen to music. For instance toward the end of my last break-up, I was really feeling Fantasia "Free Yourself." Some songs truly resemble some emotions I have at given times.

2) What are your three "WORST" qualities?

1. At times, I over extend myself. I'm involved with many different organizations and sometimes I just can't say no.
2. I'm very optimitic. So, I fall "in like" with people i'm interested in quickly. I'm much better now, but it can get better.
3. In certain settings, I'm afraid of being devils advocate.

3) Aside from your blog...which other blog could you not live without
Currently, Virginia Slim is really doing it for me! I love his blog and check it every day. He really seems to have it together and I love when young black folks got it together. You go boy!

lady in satin asked...

1) What is your favorite body part on YOUR body and why?

My favorite part of my body is my face. Because I love my smile! My dimples are the bomb! lmao

2) Are you gay, straight, or bisexual?

Well, I don't like to label myself. At times, I may think i'm one or the other. Am I confused about my sexuality? Not at all. Been there, done that. I'm just open to anyone who can make me happy.

3) What is your ultimate career goal?

My ultimate career goal is to be apart of the Presidential Cabinet. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development is a job that I wanted since high school.

mytruth asked...

1) What's your passion?

My passion is to empower my people. We have unlimited amount of potential yet the vast majority of us can't get our shyt together. When I see a Black person, I see beauty, strength and talent. And because my people don't see themselves as that, it's my job to attempt to empower them.

2)Who's your favorite blogger? (you can't say no4real...he is too close to home.)

Well, my favorite blogs change from time to time. Right now, my favorite blogger is Emotional Brotha. I love this man! His post are so honest and there are often times we are feeling the same emotions at the same time. He is truly my Kindred brotha from another mother. And let's hope he remains consistent with his post. (EMOBRO NO MORE HIATUS)

3) When are you going to put a picture up?

I'll never put a picture up here. Can you imagine pulling up this blog during my confirmation hearing. Neva that! Cause as time goes on, i'm sure my views will change.

Y'all had some good questions! Stay tune for the next part....

2006-01-25T10:23:00.000-05:00

Thee Questions Part I

Luvin Me
1) What is something that you have done that you regret?

I regret very few things. But, there is one thing in particular that I truly regret. I regret the years, I spent holding grudges and blaming things on people who were in my life. For instance, I blamed my father who never was really a father figure for the emptiness I've felt growing up. It took nearly 24 years to learn the power of forgiveness and I wish I could have learned that lesson earlier.

2) Name one thing about yourself that very few people know.

Ok, now this one is TMI. But, I love to read while I'm in the bathroom. For some reason, I read much faster. I use to do my homework in the bathroom during my high school years. (SHUT UP - LMAO)

3) What do you hope to be doing within the next 5 years?

In five years, I'll be 30 years old. I intend on having a huge party and that would also be the year where I'll seek adoption whether I'm found my soul mate or not. By then, I hope that I can own a piece of property, my small business I launched last year will become much more profitable. In addition, I also hope that I can launch several more means of financial security, find my soul mate and work full time for a National Non-Profit. I can go on and on.. but you know what, I'm already on my journey to accomplish the list above within the next five years.

Ladynay
1) Can you name one man finer than Reggie Bush?

Jason George from EVE... enough said.

2) What's the longest you've DDR'ed and what songs are you addicted to?

I've played DDR'ed for four hours.. and let me tell you I was swearing hard. I love "Get Busy."

3) Does #2 count as 2 questions? LOL

Yeah, it does! hehehe

ProfessorB
1) If you could have any job, what would it be?

After careful though, I would want to become the President of the United States. Not right now, but I wouldn't mine becoming the first Black President. I think my heart is in the right place and if i could get elected with minimal compromising I think I can push forward with a progressive agenda. Don't y'all think? LOL

2) Where are you going on your next vacation?

A couple of my friends and I are going to Las Vegas at the end of February. It's my second time traveling to vegas so I know what to expect. I'm excited because I'm not going to any parties within the next couple of weeks and this will be a much needed vacation.

3) If you could turn back time and redo something, what would it be?

There isn't anything that I would redo. At this moment, I'm on a path of Victory and if I did something over I may not be The Unconquerable Soul.

Stay tune for the next three question.... y'all can add some if you want.

2006-01-24T09:05:00.000-05:00

Support Brother Foxx even if the rumors aren't true

NBC is not doing any marketing & publicity on Jamie's Music Special on NBC because he stood his ground and wouldn't have any white guest as they requested. To make it even worse he had two controversial guest stars, that do not fit the "NBC profile" on his show. Tune in to find out who they are. They are purposely putting his show up against the second week of American Idol in hopes that it will fail. This will give them the excuse to never give another black person a music special because "it doesn't work". Let's show them that it does work, and that we support each other. Tivo Idol, and watch Jamie. I saw the taping, it is a good show.

J Foxx making history on NBC. This is the first time NBC has ever aired an entire young urban African American cast on a music special. We need to show support. This was not an easy sell for Jamie and he stood his ground to make it happen the way he saw fit.

JAMIE FOXX MUSIC SPECIAL WILL BROADCAST WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25TH @ 8:00PM PST on NBC. PLEASE MAKE IT A POINT WATCH! There will be surprise special guests... i have a couple of events going on.. but i'm leaving my tv on... LOL you can TOO!

don't forget i'm still accepting questions!

well the rumors are false.. but i still say lets support a brotha

2006-01-20T10:52:00.000-05:00

HOWDY!

I know I have been slipping the past couple of weeks with my posting. The Endeavor is very time-consuming and stressful. I'm starting to get organize because I have a lot of other. Reg post reminded me of my former blog, around this time last year I gave my readers the opporunity to ask me questions. Here we go again!

I have decided to go along with some of my comrades and open the floor up for questions you may want to ask me. Within reason, I will answer all of them.

And like former blogger brotha-free stated, "if I only get like 2 responses I will erase this pose with the quickness and act like it neva happend..."

Give me a few days to answer the questions.

So, three questions. Drill me! Go ahead, ask me!

2006-01-16T20:43:00.000-05:00

When I think of Dr. King.

I think of GREATNESS. I think of a man with great influential power. I think of a man who had a vision for his people and died attempting to make that vision into reality. Most of all, I think of his courage and determination, which I greatly admire.

Black Folks.

We can be VERY DIFFICULT! I know in my experience with working with many people of diverse backgrounds, it's another experience when only dealing with my brothers and sisters. Our people as a whole aren't visionary. We can't forecast empowerment. For a man to lead a movement nationwide is inspiring.

Recently, while pursuing the Endeavor, I began to think about King's spirit. That influence. That courage. That determination. I started to attached them into the what I do. And you know what, part King's spirit is embedded in mine. That brother Kept on Pushin.. and right now, that's what I'm trying to do.

I attended eight events over the past four days to commemorate Dr. King and his Dream. While still in the process of the Endeavor, three of these events was organized by yours truly. The audience at each event spoke of King's Dream and solution we need to do to empower ourselves. Unfortunately, I received an overwhelming amount of lip service. Our community leaders have an amazing ability to make us say "preach on" and "Amen." To many of us are talking the talk and not walking the walk. What bothers me most is the fact that there are people walking the walk for us and we continue to hate on them and not give them the support to make a bigger impact. Imagine if Dr. King had the influence of the many ministers that preached against him.

Dr. King was human. He was touchable. Dr. King was not the movement, but a leader in the civil right movement. He had an support network that moved forward. Folks like Ralph Abernathy, Bayard Rustin and Jesse Jackson. I hope that one day I can build the same network to bring forth positive change for our people.

When I think of King... I think of myself!

2006-01-13T07:18:00.000-05:00

I am in Love...

This is my friend friend in my head.

I swear to goodness, I love Reggie Bush!

He won this seasons Heisman Trophy

Y'all can't tell me that brother ain't fine!

2006-01-06T11:00:00.000-05:00

Howdy!

Has anyone played Dance Dance Revolution on PS2? On New Years Day, my friends and I played for over four hours straight. We had my home girl apartment smelling like a gym, LOL! I swear that game is HAWT.

On Wednesday, I purchased my own DDR game and pad(i received ps2 for christmas in 2004, i only played it once). Over the last two days, I must have played over six hour worth of dance moves. It's a great workout, plus it gets my mind off of the Endeavor.

Anyhow, I don't really have much to blog about... the Endeavor is speeding ahead.

Another thingy Stolen.. this time from fellow blogger, At33.

3 things I don't understand:
Apathy, the unconscious, and how people can free style rap (that shyt is amazing).

3 things I'm doing right now:
Pursuing the Big Endeavor, on my grind with networking with some very influential people, and trying to figure the places I would like to visit in 06.

3 things I wanna do before I die:
Get married, father a couple of children and establish a couple of social-economic programs that empower those who are living in poverty.

3 things I can do:
I can organized, play spades and cry. LOL!

3 things that best describe my personality:
Compassionate, optimistic, ambitious.

3 things I can't do:
Win the lottery (I really need to), speak in another lanuage, do a back flip.

3 things you should listen 2:
God, your heart, your Grandmother.

3 things you shouldn't listen to:
Those who discourage you from pursuing your goals, Liars and Politicians

3 things I say:
Oh my goodness, I hate you (which means I love you),

3 fav foods:
Sweet potatoes pie, mac-n-cheese, fried chicken (y’all know my family from the south, LOL)

3 things I would like to learn:
I really want to learn Spanish, how to be more influential and consistently happy.

3 beverages I drink regularly:
Water, Hot Green Tea and Apple Juice

3 shows I watched as a kid:
Thunder Cat. Cosby Show. Different Strokes.

3 things I wish people would learn:
To trust, show compassion and know how to give me all of their money.

3 kinds of people that irritate me:
Conceited, noisy and liars. (I am noisy, but I do that on the dl! LOL)

3 kinds of people that irritate me MORE:
Black people who don’t VOTE, Black people who don’t give back at all, ANYONE WHO IS COMPLACENT.

2006-01-02T22:11:00.000-05:00

It's a New Year!

It's a new day
Open my eyes and my path is clearer
It's a new day
Pushing ahead till my goal gets nearer

It's a new day
Spread my wings
I'm doin' things my way
{It's a new day}
Sung by Patti Labelle

My grandmama taught me the church sayin’, “When the praises goes up, the blessings comes down.” And this year I’m going to praise him like I’ve never done before. This will be a year of REJOICE.

2005 was a year of tremendous growth for me, build on hardcore foundation for what lies ahead. I have many aspirations for 2006. Unlike past years I am expecting tons of adversity to match it. When I’m doing things my way, something or someone is going to attempt to discourage me from pursing my goals. But, I’m going to KEEP ON PUSHIN till my goal gets near.

Right now, I feel like Celie after she tells Mister she is leaving with Shug. That knife is in my hand and I’m ready to use it because I’ve done been through the storm and I realized that it wasn’t my fault. Like Celie, I know there is something better out there for me. It doesn’t matter because I’m this or I’m that. I’m HERE! And I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to bring in another year.

As the song by Israel and New Breed says, “Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say, again I say Rejoice.” It’s another year to celebrate, grow, love, learn and teach. This year also marks my 25^th year on this earth!

So, if you see me and I’m glowing... It’s not because I’m pregnant, LOLOL! It’s because I know something we all should know and that’s GOD IS GOOD ALL OF THE TIME and ALL OF THE TIME… you know the rest.

Peace and Prosperity in 2006!

REJOICE!

2005-12-29T13:32:00.000-05:00

Best Day Of '05,

Sunday, July 31st

It was two weeks into getting to know Exceptional. We were moving kinda fast, but I was loving it. I woke up watching him. I literally pitched myself, I was in disbelief that I spent several nights and mornings with someone I adored. So, you know I had India.Arie Beautiful Surprise in my head.

He made coffee and we sat in the living room reading the New York Times. (we did this often, it was the BEST) I think we discussed the AIDS crisis in the prison system. We showered and dressed for the day's activities.

It was the day of the REVIVAL! Victory Over Spiritual Violence Through Grace at Riverside Church sponsored by GMAD. I swear to goodness brother Keyon Farrow organized one of the best events I've attended this year. You just felt the love as soon as you walked into the church. Exceptional introduced me to several of his friends. During the program, I got a little choked up and he affectionately rubbed my back and asked if I was ok. At that point, I really wanted to let the tears fall, but I sucked it up, LOL. I felt a growth between our mutual admiration for each other.

Afterwards, two of his friends accompanied us to a great Chinese restaurant some where on the Upper West Side. I noticed another facet of him that I didn't know about, how he interacted with others. He was too cute! I was very quiet, which is normal when I meet new people. He asked several times, "are you ok?" I just smiled. You know that smile when you raise your eye brows, yeah that one... I swear my Kool-Aid Smile was SWEET, LOL!

I had wanted to have a drink with Redd, so we took a cab to Luke & Leroys. We held hands in the cab. Anyone who knows me knows I'm (was) paranoid when it comes to public displays of affection, but something was taking over me.

Exceptional had to take a business call. So, I went in and chilled with Redd for a minute. Redd and I had shots of Tequila and a Long Island ice tea. I started to get loose, LOL! I told Redd how much I was truly starting to like Exceptional. He was sincerely happy for me! The alcohol was starting to make me a little sleepy cause the night before.. y'all don't need to know about all that... anyhow, we left Lukes and why did I want to... umm, yeah, we not even going to get into all of that.. but we caught a cab and he held me.

I didn't even think one second to take his arms off me. As we road in the cab on seventh avenue, people started to look at us and I didn't even give a darn. (that shyt felt Tony the Tiger GGGGGRRREEEEAAAATTTT!)

When we entered the apartment, we gave each other slick smiles... i'm talking slick.. I'll never forget the smile on Exceptional's face. And yeah.. this is a PG:13 blog so I can't get into the rest.

So I woke up the next morning and decided to kill off my old blog. I told myself that day, "You've grown and it's time to take the next step."

Dang! That was a great day for me!

2005-12-28T12:27:00.000-05:00

Special thanks goes to everyone who commented on my last two posts! Especially EMBRO!!

I'm definitely feeling a lot better. I know some people wrote about being the person you ultimately trying to find. Yeah, that sounds good. But, that's BS. As someone who has grown to love myself fully, I can agree with the concept. Although, I don't feel anyone is ever completely happy being single. I have many moments of happiness.. like I said previously my good days out way the bad. So YES, I was having one of my bad moments, which I know everyone has felt at some point.

I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Once you finally found that person or the person you feel can be that person you get a kind of happiness like no other.

Last night, I went to a Kwanzaa event sponsored by a local African American Senior Citizen group. (I'm meeting Dr. Karenga tonight! YAY!) It was great to see so many beautiful black faces. A couple of people heard about the Endeavor and offered support and guidance. As most of y'all know, yesterday was the second day of Kwanzaa known as Kujichagulia (Self-Determination), which means to define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves. The historian delivered many words of pride and hope for the future. Let me tell y'all, I was AMP. I sat in the room only to be recharge on where my life is headed.

I'm a very spiritual person and constantly give thanks to my Creator. I read my last post after the event and said to myself, "Unconquerable Soul you must keep on pushin." Once again looking at my ancestors, the pioneers before me, those who are just ahead, and myself only to remind myself that my self determination will soon see green pastures.

The battle to fight the system is a lonely road right now. And I think it is key that I acknowledge these feelings instead of ignoring them. Yeah, I still owe myself a cry because it still hurts. In Mahagony, Billy Dee said, "success is nothing without anyone to share it with." I just don't want to get to the mountain top by myself. I just have this urge to go through this journey with someone special.

But, Oh WELL I'M STILL MOVING FORWARD!

There is an alarm at the gate and I'm the soldier answering the call.

Hotep!

2005-12-27T15:03:00.000-05:00

Who Understands Me But Me

As much as I agree with my last post, I had a couple of down moments since then. It's really hard trying to stay positive and having a constant smile on your face. Right now, I'm feeling afraid and lonely at the same time and that's a bad combination.

I'm currently undergoing the biggest endeavor of my life. I made this decision after I prayed and fasted for guidance. God has directed me into making this move. It requires a lot of assistance from most of my friends, associates and a whole lot of people that I don't know. Although, I'm only three weeks into this five-month process, I'm swear it has put me on an emotional roller coaster. If it weren't for Kirk Franklin's Hero CD, I would have jumped off a cliff, because it brings me back to a place that I know this is God's plan and I can count on his strength to get me through it.

Fortunately, I've had great responses from friends, especially some of my blogger friends! I really have a problem with asking people for stuff. I try to do everything myself. And when I finally need to ask someone from something it's a last resort and I expect a positive response. When I feel like there is a 50/50 shot of me getting a positive response, I try to avoid asking. Ask Shawn, LOL (THANKS A MILLION MAN).

I don't feel like people understand who I am. This recurring feeling can get me depress. It's weird to have so many "friends" that know me, but not to a point when they fully know me. I have some friends that know some parts about me, while the others know the rest and because no one knows the full story I feel misunderstood. The fact that I'm ready, willing and able to share my story with someone leaves me dishearten since there is no one.

Don't get me wrong. I am loved. I am supported. I guess it's not the way that I yearn for. My heart has an empty space that is longing to be fulfilled. So many good things can happen and I don't really have any one in particular I care to share it with (excluding Redd)... Well, I do have a few friends that I do call, but I'm not sure they really want to hear how I feel.

Throughout the day, I have tons of up and down moments. This Endeavor has me stressed! I been fighting off tears of sadness for the past week because I have so much to be grateful for. But, I'm human and these tears will fall sometime this week.

I know this may sound cheesy, but I want someone to try and sing "I wanna know" by Joe. I guess i'm craving for some attention and support from a significant other. Right now, I just want to cry in someone's arms and be reassured that everything will be ok. It definitely isn't happening today, but I hope it happens sometime soon.

God is still Good!

**************************************
Below is a copy of one of my favorite poems by Jimmy Santiago Baca. I performed this piece on my Forensics Team in High School.

Who Understands Me But Me

They turn the water off, so I live without water,
they build walls higher, so I live without treetops,
they paint the windows black, so I live without sunshine,
they lock my cage, so I live without going anywhere,
they take each last tear I have, I live without tears,
they take my heart and rip it open, I live without heart,
they take my life and crush it, so I live without a future,
they say I am beastly and fiendish, so I have no friends,
they stop up each hope, so I have no passage out of hell,
they give me pain, so I live with pain,they give me hate,
so I live with my hate,they have changed me, and I am not the same man,
they give me no shower, so I live with my smell,
they separate me from my brothers, so I live without brothers,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?
who understands me when I say I have found other freedoms?

I cannot fly or make something appear in my hand,
I cannot make the heavens open or the earth tremble,
I can live with myself, and I am amazed at myself, my love, my beauty,
I am taken by my failures, astounded by my fears,
I am stubborn and childish,in the midst of this wreckage of life they incurred,
I practice being myself,
and I have found parts of myself never dreamed of by me,
they were goaded out from under rocks in my heart
when the walls were built higher,
when the water was turned off and the windows painted black.
I followed these signs
like an old tracker and followed the tracks deep into myself
followed the blood-spotted path,
deeper into dangerous regions, and found so many parts of myself,
who taught me water is not everything,
and gave me new eyes to see through walls,
and when they spoke, sunlight came out of their mouths,
and I was laughing at me with them,
we laughed like children and made pacts to always be loyal,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?
-Jimmy Santiago Baca

2005-12-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

God's Grace and Mercy

When I think of God's Grace and Mercy...

I left my hands with praise.

Throughout my life I have lied, cheated, stolen, fought, cursed along with many other sins. And still I sin. Of course now it's to a lesser degree, but still I SIN. My spiritual growth this year has opened my eyes to God's Grace and Mercy.

M-W.com says

Mercy: is a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion

Grace: an unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

Tears start to form when I think about how I always knew God is the reason why I get up every morning, yet I ignored him. When I may have been stressed, horny, felt unloved, or broke, I forgot about his unwavering LOVE, GRACE and MERCY.

Because of God's Mercy, I am here today. So many things could have happen to me. I've had many dark moments in my life. Many times I fought my battles alone. Well, I was thinking I was alone, but my Heavenly Father was there protecting me, giving me the strength to conquer my trials and tribulations. Right now I'm feeling undeserving yet grateful.

Kirk Franklin's, Could've Been says

"It could've been me with no clothes, no shoes and no food to eat/ It could've been me, without Your love/ Lord tell me where would I be/ It could been// Me in the cold with (everything gone)/ No house, no job (outside of alone)/ Sitting trying to figure out (where I went wrong)"

I am eternally grateful for all of my present hardships because I can visualize my VICTORY!

I may not have everything that I want, but God's Grace has given me more than I need to follow HIS PLAN. He didn't have to do it! But, God did! All I can say is Thank YOU!

So I leave you with the words of I Won't Complain. May God continue to bless you!

I Won't Complain

I have some good days
I have some hills to climb
I've had some weary days
I've had some sleepless nights

But when I look around
and think things over
All of my good days
outweigh my bad days

I won't complain.

2005-12-09T15:35:00.000-05:00

I have an event that I must take my youth council tomorrow afternoon. So unfortunately, I won't be able to attend Derrick L. Briggs Book Club Story Series. I wanted to share with you something that I wrote on my former blog that still speaks to me today. It was written early March 2005. This is the story I wanted to read.

Penny with a Hole in it.

I have never been in LOVE. I would say I've been infatuated with the concept of being in LOVE. I've been infatuated with some of the men and women I've dealt with even to the point when we would say I LOVE you. To me, infatuation is an overwhelming feeling.

Many times I have been attracted to people just because of their ambition and loving spirit. Most of these people were very similar to me. They had issues. These issues prevented the IN part of LOVE. Issues like the ability to reveal emotion, self-esteem, financial and even spiritual thoughts. Dealing with black men, it is a whole other ball game than dealing with black woman. Much is bottled and sealed up.

It seems everyone I meet has their guard up: the guard that is created by someone that has done them wrong in the past. Instead of nature taking its time, (this is what has been happening to me) I or they do something that messes things up. This year, I'm on this keep it real vibe with the people I am attempting to get it there with aka get in a relationship with. The black man's pride is something I'll probably have to work on with myself and whoever is my partner for the rest of my life.

I believe that true LOVE is unconditional. It's a place where people are accepting of each others’ faults and insecurities. Also, a place where two people meet and share their lives with each other. In Shall We Dance?, (yes, I went to the movies by myself to see this movie) Susan Sarandon’s (my home girl) character says something in essence like this: "we marry someone because they will bear witness of our life." Dang, that is strong. Someone that knows where you’ve been, what you’re doing and where you’re going.

My involvement in numerous things has prevented me in allowing myself to really tell someone about all of the things I'm doing or have done. Moreso, I don't think anyone is really interested in what I do. The LOVE I guess I believe in will surpass all of that what you’re doing to the point when my partner contributes to what I'm doing instead of listening. And this works both ways. I'm ready to make time for someone in my hectic schedule. Ready to come home and have someone to lay with. Ready to argue and all that other stuff.

At last week’s Bible study, my Pastor mentioned that we won't find the perfect LOVER. We have to love someone for who they are, not what they are doing, how much money, what school they graduated from. We all have issues. This drove me to the position to put up with some things I may not like. Because $%^t, I'm not perfect either.

It appears when we pass the oh, so famous stage that John Legend sings about.. you know, "we past that infatuation stage," we see people for who they are and that's imperfect. And the people I've been involved with have had a difficult past. So, let's work on each other. Have that friendship along with that relationship understanding. But, it never gets that far. You know when Renee Zellweger in Jerry McGuire says, "I love him for the man that he is and the man that he is going to become." I stood in the place where I liked him for the damaged man that he is and the healed man he will become.

Revealing one’s self is ideal with beginning something real. I seriously want someone to reveal who they are and I do the same so we can work off of each other. Do that Love Jones thing, "Get Together. Fall Apart. Start Over." So, I'm guessing you may think I'm hopeless like a penny in a hole in it. Lol.

See for me, I like, lust, kiss, hug, and most importantly LOVE hard. And when this is returned, I am unstoppable. But, wait, this hasn't happened to me yet. Nope, but just the idea of one day being IN LOVE puts a smile on my face.

2005-12-09T09:58:00.000-05:00

What's Really Good?

I'm pissed that I missed the Season Finale of Top Model! I completely forgot about hit, instead I was playing Halo getting messed up with my roommates after bible study of course.

WHY WAS NICOLE CHOSEN? Well, I already knew Americas Next Top Model would not be black. We have Eva and Niama! But NICOLE, WHY? I honestly though Kim had a chance or even that other whyte girl that made it into the top six.

Honestly, I thought Bre had a chance. Since the beginning that girl was working the experience.. getting better and better. She really came a long way, because you know i said before on this blog that i wasn't impressed with the black girls. I heard bre took it like a champ.

Don't get me wrong, I like nicole.. i think she is cute, but there was a lot of better looking woman than her. I read that tyra said, "out of all the top model winners nicole has the model thing going for her." Well, I guess we shall see! It's all about how you Work the system.

Cause i'm sure everyone knows Eva Pigford. Homegirl hooked up with Mona Scott of Violator and been some great things to establish herself.

NEXT...

I rarely watched Making the Band 3... but, during my extended stay in front of the television Thanksgiving weekend I caught a couple of episodes. well, yesterday was the season's finale... he chose the group... well, i think the people he chose can sing and dance.. but damn, did he really have to leave Dominque like that... Homegirl can really sing and i'm hoping she still pushes on... y'all remember when she sung "how did you get here" (deborah cox)... and ripped it.. had me singing loudly in my room and my roommates complaining, LOL....

NEXT...

What the fyck is going on in California? Arnold is pissing me off! Can you please grant Tookie Clemancy. I swear I'm going to cry on tuesday... please, please, if you are reading this please check out savetookie.org and also SIGN THE ONLINE PENTITION... it will only take 15 seconds.. the prison system is suppose to rehabilitate those who are guilty of a crime.. tookie has redeemed himself.. so why should he have to die.. SAVETOOKIE.ORG

anyway.. i just had to get it out.. cause no one is blogging about it...

fyi, i'm not editing this post.. man, i can't wait for mary's new cd.. have a great weekend.

2005-12-07T08:58:00.000-05:00

Montreal Trip and Top Five Wednesday

This past weekend, I had a trip to Montreal. I LOVE THAT CITY! I truly needed some time away from the New York Area. My host was incredible! Unfortunately, my two years of French didn't help me out at all, LOL! Luckily, my friends up there are bilingual (if that's the word).

Saturday we went to a club called Jello in Saint Laurent (I think that's the spelling). I had SOO MUCH FUN! They had a live band singing/rapping hits of the 70s through the 90s. Off the chain! In the VIP area the dj was spinning old school hits, I was impressed with the amount of diversity as well as the lyrical knowledge of the patrons. When they played OPP by Naughty by Nature, these folks knew more lyrics than me, LOL.

I also was amazed at the stores in the downtown area! It seems like the people of Montreal are really fashion forward. Oh yeah, it was Cold as F..K! Everyone had a darn scarf on... it was too funny.

I'm go glad I was able to get away, even if it was only for a weekend. I'm seriously trying to hit up chi-town and Vegas before April lets keep our fingers cross.

******************************************************

I know Top Five Wednesday has been gone for a while. I have been very busy. I am getting ready for 2006! I am ready for 2006! I am ready for 2006! LOL

Top Five Favorite Christmas Movies

5. Miracle on 34th St - This movies is a Classic! Do you believe in Santa Clause? I completely forgot about this movie until one of my friends mentioned it to me last night. I love all of the versions especially the original 1947 version staring Maureen O'Hara, John Payne, Natalie Wood, Edmund Gwenn! Great story!

4. Home Alone - Can y'all remember the first time you saw Home Alone? I can't. I've watched the movie many times. I wanted to be Macaulay Culkin. I would have killed that role, I still can, LOL!

3. Santa Clause - Tim Allen rocks! I love movies family movies like this one! When I watch, I wish I was the little boy and my dad was the one who was becoming Santa. I think I need therapy, LOL!

2. The Preacher's Wife - Whitney and Denzel did the darn thing! The soundtrack was off the meters! A lot of the movies was filmed in my old town of Newark, so you know I have to love it! The little boy name rocks.. hehehe. Whitney killed I believe in you and me. And tell me y'all wasn't jamming at the end when they sung Joy... and the joys was coming from all over the place, lefting your spirit. Dang, I need to download these songs on my new pc.. (Go Me!)

1. Scrooge - This is my all time favorite Christmas movie. It never gets old! I'm talking about the Scrooge that started Bill Murray. As a young boy, I was so scared when the Ghost of Christmas future. I loved the scenes in the homeless shelter. And even the end performance when they start singin. Can I say tear jerker? LOL Someone needs to buy me this movies for Christmas! HELLO! LOL!

What are some of your favorite Christmas Movies?

2005-12-02T11:29:00.000-05:00

Stolen from M Dubb
First
First job: South Philly Steak and Fries... i use to kill those steak sandwiches at the mall, LOL I just turned 15
First screen name: gabbanaboy1 (shut up) I just bought some D&G eye glasses and i needed a name so that's why.
First funeral: My grandmother on my father's side, I was in kindergarden and I'll never forget how my aunts cried at that funeral.
First pet: Rusty, the cat. He took a number two under my sheets and I went to bed and it was all over my legs. My stepfather beat him and when the door was open that morning, he left and never came back.
First piercing: I'm ashame to say, LOL...
First tattoo: When I get some cuts in my arm... LOL
First credit card: SEARS. My darn aunt convince me to get it, so i could get my moms something nice for christmas. That's when it all went down hill. (i don't like credit cards)
First kiss: I was 12 and her name was mya.. enough said
First enemy: Haneef. Back in middle school, he always had jokes. I'm not good at retaliating jokes, so we would argue all of the time.

Last
Last car ride: My sister and I went to go see my brother's first colligiate concert. He did and awesome job. I'm so proud of them both.
Last kiss: On seventh st in August.
Last movie watched: Rent. I told y'all about that.
Last beverage drank: Last night. My roommates and I had a Utility party (party to raise funds for the utility bills... people really do pay to come to our house.)
Last phone call: Blue, we use to mess around a year ago. We remained friends that talk two or three times a month.
Last time showered: This morning. I shaved some body parts for this weekend. YES!
Last CD played: Ummmm, Fantasia "Free yourself".

Now
Last website visited: yahoo.com.
Single or taken: No comment
Gender: Male
Birthday: March 15th
Sign: Picses
Siblings: A young brother and sister.
Hair color: Black
Eye color: Dark brown. I love them in sunlight.
Wearing: A Fred Perry track jacket.. a black explotitation T-shirt.. jeans and some New Balances
Drinking: Hott Green Tea
Thinking about: my weekend plans
Listening to: Fantasia's This is Me

2005-12-01T08:46:00.000-05:00

It's not just a cause, it's an EMERGENCY!"

Today is World AIDS Day 2005!

AIDS is a preventable epidemic that plagues millions and millions of families every hour, minute and second of everyday. I'm sure there will be many bloggers, websites and community events bringing forth awareness of AIDS and HIV.

The most controversial post this year (in my eyes) was Franks I think your positive post. I'm reposting the response from my former blog. I hope everyone can attend an event or donate some money to a charity or pray for those affected by HIV/AIDS. Remember prayer changes things!

Inspired by Frank's post:

I don't recall when... but I remember reading in Vibe Magazine, they published an article about the CDC announcement, that one out of three black SGM were HIV positive. It also informed me that 33% don't even know that they are positive. This news was extremely alarming to me.

On August 27, 2005, will mark my second year from abstaining from penetrated sex. Although, I have a high sex drive the news that I just mentioned cautioned me greatly. I'm not going to lie, I have engaged myself with low risk activity with multiple people since then, but the thought of contracting HIV/AIDS in a matter of simple pleasure drives me INSANE. Yes, there have been many moments that things were just about to happen without protection, fortunately it never occurred.

As a conscious brother last year, it was my first time getting tested. YES! After messing around from 1995 to 2004, I never got tested. First of all, I didn't think there was a need to because I was using protection. Secondly, I didn't want to know because the fear of living my entire life knowing I was going to die form AIDS. The last two months I've been procrastinating about getting tested. Although, I don't do much, there is still risk involved. And quite frankly, I will always be scared each time I am tested.

I have many friends that after a week or two of being sexually involved with someone and maybe even taking a STD test would end up having unprotected sex. As the disease continues to plague our community, it is still preventable. It pisses me off that the CDC announce that 46% of black ÂgayÂ men in New York City, Baltimore, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Miami are HIV positive. With all the problems that going on in our community, I believe it's the most preventable. Wrap your shyt up!

We have no self-worth or appear to be stupid! After so much talk about HIV/AIDS we still partake in HIGH RISK ACTIVITY. Even people who have posted on Franks blog will continue to do what they want to do. They still won't get tested. They still won't try to urge their friends. And some are HIV Positive and won't even disclose this information to their sexual partners.

What's really good? Frank pointed out what Brother West preached about... Nihilism. Nihilism is the concept meant to describe, "Life without meaning, hope, and love [which] breeds a coldhearted, mean-spirited outlook that destroys both the individual and others." The people in our community have injected far too much Nihilism into their spirits.

I'm getting tested next week and going to try to get three friends to go with me. My brothers and sisters they aren't going to help us end this epidemic, we must step up to the plate and SAVE Our Selves (SOS)!

Spread the word!

Your brother in the struggle!

HIV is one of the biggest social, economic and health challenges in the world. It is a global emergency claiming over 8,000 lives every day. In fact 5 people die of AIDS every minute.

Get Tested!

World AIDS Day and HIV in the Black Community!
Wise up. Wear it. Where's yours?
Stop AIDS. Keep the Promise.

2005-11-30T14:57:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving Weekend Recap... this is a long one, LOL

On Wednesday morning, I was excited about my plans to go see Rent with my best friend and her boyfriend. Throughout the day, I was cheesing hard.

Immediately after work, I began to cook at a local church. (The youth council that I advise sponsored a Thanksgiving Dinner for the less fortunate.) Once I started bugging out with my kids, I couldn't leave them while there was work that needed to be done.

I took a couple of my kids walking around to promote for our dinner. (They needed me as the MUSCLE. LOL!) So we went to the YMCA affordable housing facility, the YWCA Battered Women’s Shelter (I lived in that building for a couple of months), and a couple of half way houses. There were many people in need and were happy we extended an invitation. The moment I had to drop a tear was when we entered a soup kitchen that I knew existed two blocks from my job, but never had a chance to volunteer. As we walked downstairs, we were graciously greeted by the volunteers. The church was JAMMED packed with families.

Throughout my life, I have been conscious of the less fortunate because there were many moments in my young life where we didn't know when was the next time we were going to eat. (Thank God for the nasty school lunch.) Anyhow, seeing those kids hit the heart. All I could mutter was "Thank You! Jesus!" We passed out our flyers to the people being served. Again, they were all grateful. After leaving the church, the young ladies that I was protecting (LOL) were in complete shock by the total experience and vowed to work on a couple more projects for the less fortunate.

I ended up going home around 11:30 to start making my sweet potato pies (it's been my job for the past ten years for Thanksgiving and Christmas). My roommates left for the weekend and it was SCARY being in the house alone. It was truly a time when I could be loud while doing the hanky panky. LMAO! Anyways, I didn't have a blender so I had to mix by hand; it was no joke. I ended up wrapping the pies around 3:30am.

Thursday. I'm at the church at 9:30 am. We did another street team run at some other places like the Salvation Army where we could find people who may be interested in coming to our dinner. The day ran very smoothly. My kids took control and served everyone graciously. We had many moments of laughter and Kool-aid smiles. I was upset that they didn't like the holiday punch I made. LOL... they added a five pound bag of sugar (my goodness). One of my mentees put his foot in the mac-n-cheese. I swear to goodness it was BANGIN!

We ended up leaving the church at 4:30 pm. I was really tired and didn't have an appetite, but my Momma wasn't hearing that. When I arrived at my mother’s house, my mom told me that her Friend (if you know what I mean) is coming over, but later on tonight (I knew this was going to happen... but since she said later on, I was quickly planning my escape after dinner.) But, like many things in my life, it didn't go as planned. As soon as my mom fixed my plate, a doorbell rang. (YES, It was him) My heart started racing. I went into my lil brother's room and said, "I can't believe I’m about to meet Mommie’s friend." He replied, "well, you gonna have to deal with it, just like I have to almost everyday." I wanted to smack that boy, but I didn't only because it was a holiday. LOL.

So My Mom's friend walked in and I headed to the living room, greeted him politely and then headed back to the kitchen to eat. I thought we were going to eat together, but we didn't. My brother ended up eating in his room so my sister and I ate together while my moms was entertaining her friend. My sister was telling me that the friend is over the house too much. Oh yeah, did I mention he really does look 29? (Not to downplay my moms; she is 43 and looks like she could be much younger.) Anyway, he looks just as young as some of my friends. LOL.

About twenty minutes later, my mom announced that she is leaving to go to her Friend’s cousin's house. Why did the baby in me want to cry? My mom and I were supposed to go to my grandmothers house. She left us. I will admit I was upset. I went home and had a big piece of pie and was asleep by 7:30pm. It had been a long day.

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I don't feel like typing my Circuit City story.... Friday, I went from 3am to 9am and left empty handed... by 10:30 am I arrived home and The Unconquerable Soul was the proud owner of a new PC from BestBuy. Go Me!

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My sister played me! She agreed on Thanksgiving to accompany me to the movies. I thought I was going to finally see Rent. I ended up staying in the house from 10:30am Friday morning until 10:30pm Saturday night. In that time, I just relaxed and meditated about my life and the world. It was truly regenerating... but it also brought forth the agony of relieving stress alone. LOLOL! (I know tmi, but shoot I had safe fun, LOL)

My roommates came home and got twisted as I was getting ready to go to my homeboy's housewarming party.. y'all know him as Shawnqt... his place is HUGE. I think I’m gonna move in. LOLOL! I'm so happy that got me out of the house. He keeps great company, so it was nice to see some familiar faces as I walked through the door.

My boy shawty and I ended up going to 42nd and watching the 12:45am showing of Rent. Y'all know I had to hit up Starbucks for a double shot of espresso. I truly am a dork because as soon as it started I wanted to tear up (shut up, don't hate on this sensitive brotha.) I thoroughly enjoyed the movie! Taye, Tracy, Jesse, Adam, Ida and especially Rosario WORKED the Fyck out with their VOCALS. I'm going to see it again soon.

This is getting wwwwwaaaayyyy too long but I’m almost done. I really don’t want to forget this weekend.

Sunday, I managed to get up for church on time and I was jamming to praise and worship by 9:30. I can't even begin to tell you how the spirit of the Lord was up all over my church. Pastor hadn't even preached yet and he felt the need to call people to the altar and over 15 people joined. Pastor preached on 2 Samuel 22:1-4. I just read the entire chapter and when I say David's Song of Praise was Deep y'all need to check it out RIGHT NOW. (click on the link) I praised the Lord as if I was at church by myself. I closed my eyes and lifted my hands with praise. Tears began to fall and I kept saying, "thank you Jesus! Hallelujah!" I kept getting louder and louder.

I don't deserve the many blessings that the Lord gives me but because of his Grace and Mercy, I am here thriving on what I have in order to bring forth the plan he has in store for me. I pray for his guidance. This week I'm fasting sun up to sun down. Please pray for me. PEACE!

2005-11-30T13:11:00.000-05:00

Supreme Court Cases Impact Access to Abortion Services

AP
WASHINGTON - Wednesday the US Supreme Court takes up a case that could change the abortion battle in a fundamental way, potentially allowing state lawmakers across the nation to enact more-restrictive regulations on a woman's right to choose abortion. The case, Ayotte v. Planned Parenthood of Northern New England, examines the constitutionality of a New Hampshire law requiring teenage girls to notify at least one parent before obtaining abortions. It carries broad implications for reproductive rights nationwide, and could be a turning point in a debate that has divided the country for more than three decades.

As pro-choice supporter, I intend on paying close attention to this case. I am a firm believer a woman has the right to choose. This will be Chief Justice Roberts most trivial case since he's been sworn in. Y'all better watch out!

The biggest reason why I wanted Bush out of office last year was because I knew he would be able to confirm several conservatives to the Surpreme Court. We already have Roberts at the helm and now we may have another conservative, Samuel Alito up for confirmation.

After demanding that President Bush withdraw Harriet Miers' nomination, anti-choice interest groups praised Alito. They already are aligning Alito with the two most conservative Supreme Court justices, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, both of whom have voted to overturn Roe v. Wade. (The Roe v. Wade case established woman's righ to choose).

I wondering if Alito will release a statement on his opinions for this case. He probably won't. It's scary that nine people have so much power and most of us don't even know it.

I tell people all of the time, especially black people it is very important to vote for every single election you can. 1. our anscestors paved the way. 2. we must support those who are advocating for civil right and liberties for everyone! 3. we must think about future generations to come because we are paving the way for them.

I hope a pro-choice decision will be reached.

And FYI, I believe the Senate should oppose this nomination and ask President Bush to submit a nominee who will uphold our rights and liberties.

2005-11-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

Salut! LOL (inside joke)

Greetings!

I've been extremely busy and wanted to post something. I recieved this forward today and wanted to share it with you. My thanksgiving recap is coming up shortly.

Brace yourself, this is sad and I almost didn't send it but when I think of how wasteful we can be, I changed my mind. Let us pray for others as never before, because in spite of "it all," we are all blessed people!

This guy won an award for taking this pic!!! please read carefully..........
Click on the picture in order to read the caption...

Dear God,

I promise I will never waste my food no matter how bad it tastes and how full I may be. I pray that He will protect this little boy, guide and deliver him away from his misery. I pray that we will be more sensitive towards the world around us and not be blinded by our own selfish nature and interests.

I hope this picture will always serve as a reminder to us that how fortunate we are and that we must never ever take things for granted.

Please don't break... keep on forwarding to your friends. Let's pray for all those suffering around the globe and send this friendly reminder to others...

Think & look at this...when you complain about your food and the food we waste daily........

2005-11-23T15:22:00.000-05:00

I HOPE EVERYONE HAS AN AWESOME THANKSGIVING WEEKEND!

PEACE AND BLESSINGS!

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." ~JFK

2005-11-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

50 things about me

I wrote this list a couple of weeks ago. I'm super busy at work and wanted to post something. The list doesn't have any numbers because when I copied and pasted the numbers erase (hey, that rhymes, lol). Anyway, its 50 things about me, the other 50 coming soon! Hope everyone had a great weekend!

I am the oldest of 3.

My favorite types books are autobiographies.

The autobiography of Malcolm X is my favorite.

I have two best friends

That still don’t know about me

I’m a sucker for a good drama

I am a harpist

I played the tuba in high school (yeah, big difference)

I can’t stand heartless and selfish people

I believe in Karma

This summer I’ve learned that relationships can be a lot of work

I don’t want to be famous, just well known for my talents

My life is and will always be deeply entrench with helping the less fortunate

I hope the Katrina Relief Grassroots Movements will spend off with empowering our people before another catastrophic event.

It pisses me off that our people needs a tragic event like Katrina to raise money and cry, when there are millions of black people in our local area who are living in poverty, homeless, unemployed and filled will self-identity issues.

I love to stay home to read or watch tv

I LOVE THE L Word

I have my first sexual encounter when I was 15

It really hard for me to budget my money, but, the last month, I’ve been doing a good job with my business

When I was arrested at the Republican National Convention back in 2000 for six days, I vowed that I must find a way to work within the system in efforts to empower our community.

I am very impatient

I am very critical of others and myself. (only a few select people know this, because I don’t like to say negative things to people.)

Once the Black Church becomes united and stand for all people, it will be a driving force to revolutionizing the US racial and poverty barriers.

I think a lot of people put on a FRONT, including myself (a few times a year, LOL).

I will die a happy man, once I find the love of my life.

My dark side is rarely shown.

One thing that I admire about myself is my compassion.

I have a wide network of people.

It’s hard to keep in contact with those people

I didn’t live in the projects, but I’ve lived in some roach infected places in my life. (I hate roaches)

If I won a million dollars, I would spend half to purchase my mother a home in her name (its her dream).

My mother and grandmother were both victims of domestic violence from their husbands

They are my source of inspiration.

I wish my dad was in my life like I need him to be

I miss his $600 a month child support I received until I was 22

It’s a damn shame that every American does not have health care

I think there are a couple of bloggers who I will be a friend with for the rest of my life.
Some bloggers have amazing talents that will make them into some of tomorrow national leaders in many endeavors.

At times, I have anxiety problems; it tends to happen when I have to many events going on at one time.

I’m in the process of growing out my hair. I’m making an attempt to bring back the AFRO. Something like Cornel West. (that changed last week, lol)

I don’t know where would I be, if I didn’t become a member of my church this year.

It’s really hard for me trust someone I’m involved with because of pass experiences.

I love to play spades, but rather play Bid-wiss. Unfortunately, there aren’t many folks in the northeast that don’t know how to play.

I’m trying to give up pork.

Dorothy Height is one of our living legends, whose story is often unspoken.

I believe the black community needs to focus on education.

I moved in with three of my frat brothers in September. We have a one family house. I love it. But, I would love it more if they would clean up.

Kwesi Mfume is one of my heroes

I wish I was born in the mid-fifties.

God is truly the center of my life.

THE END

2005-11-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

Random stuff...

First, I wanted to send thanks to everyone who e-mailed or commented on my Breakdown post. Everyone words are inspirational. Throughout the week, I must have read then over twenty times. It truly put a smile on my face and definitely was the highlight of my week.

I don't know why I have Fantasias' I Believe in my head. I feel JOOD! I've been growing my hair for the past two months and yesterday I cut if off. I bought a notebook to right down my daily task so I won't forget anything. (it is helping with my anxiety. now i don't have to remember everything) I finally saw my ex for the first time since the break-up, it was a pleasant experience. You Go Boy(Ex)! I told someone who i'm starting to deeply care about, my dark insecurities and I received positive feedback (see Bobby's comment). My business (yeah, i got a small business on da side) is about to engage in a new endeavor. And soo much other stuff is going in. One more thing, I woke up this morning with a smile on my face because I'm FLY! NOW, ISN'T GOD GOOD!

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I went to the To Be Young, Left And Black: Priorities and Possibilities forum. I absolutely love being around progressive people of all colors. There is a certain level of passion that fills up the room, which makes it worthwhile to go to event like this. The panelists were very honest with their thought-provoking ideas. Two of the panelist expressed the love for James Baldwin. I don't know too much about his political thoughts, but I must seek out some Baldwin knowledge.

Please go out and buy Letters From Young Activist! I read tons of letters on my commute back home. Like the McDonald's commercial, I'm loving it. (Dang, I should have submitted a letter.)

Big shout out to all that was involved!
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I'm still reading Bayard Rustins' Biography. Oh My Goodness, this brotha was a bad mo fo. He had so much courage and every page inspired me to obtain that.

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I know this may be TMI. I'm taking colon cleanse pills. OMG! It keeps going and going! I don't know how i'm going to make it over the weekend. I KNOW! LOLOL!

It is so cold outside. Dang, why do I need to go shopping? I have no casual winter clothes!

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Check out Work.. its a Artist Showcase like no other! Our brothers Ray and SE7EN do the dang thing!

Am I the only black person who wants to see Walk the Line and the New Harry Potter film?

PIMP OUR SHYT... da post

Coming Today Friday.... hopefully i'm working on it.. LOL

2005-11-17T15:40:00.000-05:00

Rumor of War

I remember in early Febuary, Redd telling me about Brother Wiley's exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. His work is amazing. Rumor of War opened last friday, if you are in the area support this talented brother. I'm trying to check him out this weekend!

November 11, 2005 — December 10, 2005
76 Grand Street, New York City

Deitch Projects is pleased to present Rumors of War, a painting installation by Kehinde Wiley inspired by the history of equestrian portraiture. The installation features four larger-than-life canvases each updating a specific Old Master painting with a contemporary sitter, framed in custom-designed ornate, gilded frames. Soaring to heights of over nine feet, the paintings’ exaggeration of scale and high-keyed cinematic colour highlight Wiley’s interest in the aestheticization of power and masculinity.

Retaining the trappings of power implied in their sources, Wiley reproduces the rippling shoulders of thoroughbreds, the baroquely billowing fabrics, and the vague, idealized pastoral backgrounds-- but instead of polished riding boots in the gilded stirrups, we find Nike High-tops. The clash of centuries and societies heightens the sense that these men are riding steeds in a charged non-space outside of time, while the extraterrestrial greens and blues of the minimal landscape push the surreal aspect almost to the breaking point.

VH1 recently comissioned Kehinde Wiley to paint portraits of all the 2005 Art of Hip-Hop Honors honorees. Wiley met with the featured rappers and director John Singleton before painting his subjects. To link to the VH1 2005 Art of Hip-Hop Honors page please click HERE.

2005-11-16T15:30:00.000-05:00

To Be Young, Left And Black: Priorities and Possibilities

Thursday, November 17, 7:30pm
Kimmel Center (60 Washington Sq Park South) NYC
Room 907

In the midst of the riots in France and months after the Katrina disaster, the Black social and political concerns are again center stage. What are the concerns of today's young Black Left?

Come hear the voices and opinoins of some of today's leading young Black activist as they read from the newly published anthology "Letters From Young Activists" and politic about the priorities and possibilities of Black political life in the 21st Century.

Moderated by former Black Panter Ashanti Alston

Panelist include: Kenyon Farrow, Tiffany King, Merv Marcano, Ella Turenne & Marc Washington

Brought to you by NYC Womyns Center & Co-Sponsored by Left Turn

If you are in the area, this event should be awesome. Plus, fellow blogger Kenyon Farrow is participating as one of the editors of "Letters From Young Activist." I'm buying my copy tomorrow.

2005-11-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

THE BREAKDOWN

On Saturday, November 12, 2005 at approximately 11:15AM on the corner of Broadway and 66th St in Manhattan, I had what I call a breakdown. A breakdown is when you been avoiding something’s that has been bothering you for a while and you finally release those energies. I haven't publicly cried like that since April 2004. The tears that I've been holding on had to be release.

Background information: The last couple of weeks, I have been blessed to meet a couple of influential leaders both locally and nationally. This is not unusual, but lately events have been back to back. I'm constantly meeting someone who I aspire to be.

Wednesday. I picked up last week's issue of TIME Magazine; the cover story was on the Secrets of Ambition. The story highlighted the fact that Ambition is apart of someone’s character... that it isn't a learned behavior. Anyone who knows me would say that I am very ambitious. I have always been.

Thursday. My job had end of the year evaluations. Both of my superiors gave me a great review. They both are African Americans who have been working in their field for more than 60 years collectively. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Why? Both of them looked me into my eyes and said over 10 times how much potential I have to become extremely successful. Not to brag, but I've heard this throughout my life, just not within the last couple of months. I do not have a close personal relationship with either of them yet I had instilled an impression of success. I was thankful for their criticism on how I could be better.

Thursday Night. One of my best friend’s father bought me a ticket for the 100 Black Men of New York Annual Gala. This is the second time in a row that he has invited me. They were honoring Diddy, Wynton Marsalis and Willie Randolph of the Mets. Last year, I felt awkward being around so many wealthy people. This year, I really didn't give a darn because they are people just like the rest of us. In fact, I had a wonderful time; my best friend and I tore the dance floor up. Stacie J. from The Apprentice approached me from behind and tried to get some of my sugar, lol.

After the Gala, I returned to my homegirl’s resting spot on the Upper West Side. I stayed in the apartment watching television and on the phone with Visitor. I got dressed early Saturday morning because I wanted to go to brunch and to the movies. On my walk from 98th St towards 66th St, I stared at everyone who passed me, just wondering how it would feel to live and afford residing on the UWS. I glanced at many couples that were walking their cute little dogs. In a blink, I felt lonely. Here I am on the brink of success, yet I'm not as happy as I ought to be.

My walk started to slow down. I ended up buying the latest copy of Black Enterprise. The cover showcased the Hot List, America's Most Powerful Players under 40. I scanned the pages and started to question myself. Am I going to achieve the magnitude of what I call successful? Why aren't I on this list at 24? How am I going to take my career to the next level? When am I going to enter a relationship when I can support them and they can support me? Who am I? What am I? Where do I need to be? When will I achieve my goals? Why hasn't it happened yet? How am I going to achieve it? My body and soul started to fill up with all types of uncertainty.

I finally arrived to the movie theatre to purchase my ticket. In her shoes was starting two hours later. As I left, I called my mother and started to tell her about my anxiety. Tears started to fall. I told my mom that I firmly believe that I have the potential to become an Advocate for oppressed people around the world, that I can become a successful entrepreneur and live a happy life, among other things. My heart stopped, I couldn't breathe. That's when my tears came falling like the water in the Niagara Falls. It wasn't one of those little cries, I cried HARD. Right on the streets of Lincoln Square. I cried because I saw my vision, yet I had doubt that I could turn my vision into reality. I think I cried for about 15 minutes.

I told my mom about two big endeavors of 2006 that will take me into the next couple of steps of building my career. My mom reminded me that I was only twenty-four and that I've come a long way. She identified a couple of things that I need to work on. Then I started crying again because I'm grateful for having her in my life. In my dark hour, just her listening ear lifted my hand with praise. Thank you Jesus!

My anxiety got the best of me. It wasn't for a long time, but I needed my breakdown. I remembered my thoughts on Diligence. I wrote in that post, Can you think of a black successful person who has not gone through a tremendous amount of adversity? So I had to think about how I would write in my memoir my Lincoln Square Breakdown. Then I thought about my connection with someone that has the potential to develop into a fruitful relationship. I thought about my present hardships being a part of the testimony that will inspire others. I thought about my faith leading me into God's plan.

It is so easy to lose hope! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a great position in my life but I want better. I don't feel there is anything wrong with that. This desire will give me that strength to Keep on Pushin. And I will keep pushin until I get to the mountain top! No matter what, I am the Master of my Fate/ The Captain of my Soul!

Y'all better watch out for me!
I'm still The Unconquerable Soul!

2005-11-10T14:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Child of the Ghetto

Dear Child of the Ghetto
Don't you know, when Maya wrote,
"But, Still I Rise,"
She was talking about you
That you can rise up from adversity, exploitation, and poverty

Dear Child of the Ghetto
Your life may seem like a dark room
But, there is a light switch that you must flicker
So you can finally see the yellow brick road
That has always been before you.

Dear Child of the Ghetto
Don't be afraid of using your God given talents
Our community needs them NOW
You are a 26 karat Diamond in the rough
Covered with dark nasty coal
Let your light shine

Dear Child of the Ghetto
I don't know what you’ve been told
I want you to know that your beauty is more than skin deep
You must love yourself
The good, the bad and the ugly

Dear Child of the Ghetto
You don't have to sell on the corner
You don't have to drop out of High School
You don't have to become a teenage mother
or a dead beat dad

All of your Life
You don't have to live in poverty
Don't have to suffer from domestic abuse
You don't have to join a gang
You dont' have to use the check cashing place
You don't have to eat ghetto chicken
Six days of the week from US, Crown or Kennedy Chicken

I'm telling you
Your are somebody
You are Langston, Harriet, Martin, and Rosa
You are Bayard, Angela, Malcolm and Stokely
You are Oprah, Russell, Magic and Diddy
You are Ken Chenault, Richard Perkins, Cathy Hughes and Robert Johnson

Dear Child of the Ghetto
You Matter!
Once you realize this
The revolution begins...

2005-11-09T08:59:00.000-05:00

I am so happy the election season is finally over. Most of the candidates I've been reading about from across the country won, except for Jass Stewart. I really hoped that I would get a chance to assist his campaign. A pray goes out to him and his family.

The year is finally coming to a close and I'm still excited about what's going to happen within the next two months. I am truly feeling blessed today!

The Top 5 Wednesday topic for today is....

Top 5 things I can't wait for (in the next two months)

5. Lost Prophet - Tonight, I'm picking up the biography of Bayard Rustin, Lost Prophet. Last year was the first time that I've heard about this unsung hero. He was the main organizer behind the March on Washington (I bet some of y'all didn't know that.) From what I've heard about him, he is a true unconquerable soul. I think this will be a tear jerker.

4. The Color Purple, the musical - The Color Purple is my favorite movies. I know y'all black folks are saying the same dang thang. But, IT IS MY MOVIE! MY FAVORITE MOVIE! LOL Anyway, its on Broadway and sista Winfrey gave the production some money so you know its going to be great. I'm kinda nervous that it's a musical. I'm trying to wait and see it with my church, but I think I may have to go with some friends during the week of Christmas.

3. Shedding off. November 1st, I started a new workout plan. I'm tryna shed a couple of lbs before New Years! Last year, I killed it! This year folks better watch out! Oh yeah, my jump roping skills is UP! Can't nobody tell me nothing!

2. Rent - I saw Rent on Broadway a couple of years ago. I absolutely love "Seasons of Love," especially Stevie Wonder or Frenchie's version. When I first heard about it being filmed, I secretly wanted to get a small role in it, LOL! I've been anticipating this movie for the entire year. When i see the trailers, I get all getty and start singing with them. Y'all don't know about my theatre vocals, LOL! (y'all may not want to know!)

1. Visitor - I have a special visitor coming in mid-December. I am so excited and I just can't hide it. I am certain we are going to have an enjoyable time with each other.

Honorable Mention: Mary J. Blige Seventh Studio Album, Radio City Christmas Show (going with Visitor, it will be our first time)

What are some of the things y'all anticipating?

2005-11-08T08:24:00.000-05:00

40 years ago, our elders fought for the Voter Rights Act of 1965!

You owe it to them, to get you lazy azz off this screen and go VOTE!

November 8, 2005 -

TODAY IS ELECTION DAY

GO VOTE

OR DIE,

SUCKERS!!!

LOL

2005-11-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

Random stuff!

Since November 4th, my mother has been out with her new "friend" SEVEN TIMES! I've been very busy, so I only spoke with my mother four times last week (SHUT UP!). So of course my brother & sister called to tell me that they have met the guy and he has come over the house more than once. No over night visits, yet. I'm extremely happy for her. BUT, yesterday I called and asked her if I can take her to the movies to see Jarhead, she kindly declined and said, "I’m going out with my friend today, do you want us to stop by and say hi?" I said, "No, that's ok! Enjoy yourself! I'll talk to you later." I'm not ready to meet him and I don't even think I was ready for her to decline my invitation. I think I'm jealous, LOL!

Saturday, I went to a Hip Hop in Education Conference! I met many young progressive people! There were many people from across North America; I noticed there were not many black attendees. (It made me go, hmmm..) Anyhow, I am a firm believer that we can use hip-hop to educate our youth. Check out Flocabulary, it’s a program to help young people increase their vocabulary.

West Wing last night was incredible. Smits and Alda rock the house in a live presidential debate! Do I hear Emmy?

I am loving Israel & The New breed latest cd Alive in South Africa. But it is nothing compared to Kirk Franklin's Hero.

I can't believe the holiday season is arriving. I would like to have my shopping completed two weeks before Christmas. We will see! I want an ipod (hint, hint readers) LOL!

Over the weekend, I helped my best friend find an apartment in New England. This brotha came from poverty and just received a very lucrative job. I am very proud of him. While we were apt hunting, I wondered what it would be like if I moved somewhere else. A part of me wants to move somewhere new within a year, but we will see.

Can y'all please check out my boy, Soldiers blog? He is an incredible person that has shared something very personal on his blog recently. Please show him some love! Read the last two entries, they are intense.

Tomorrow is ELECTION DAY! Please do some research and VOTE TOMORROW! IT'S IMPORTANT!

Peace!

2005-11-03T12:10:00.000-05:00

Diligence

I sit on an important committee at my church that does many great things for the black community. There are several prominent members who had faith in me when I chaired the first Men’s Economic Conference’s a couple of weeks ago. I was surprise that they chose me because I’m the youngest by far on the committee. Not only did they allow me coordinate this conference the committee quadrupled my budget. Nonetheless, it turned out to be an extraordinary day and I think my pastor knows my name now. (hehehe, I go to a very large church.)

Last night, we began making tentative preparation on our next upcoming event in February. I am very excited to participate in this endeavor. It’s the annual black history month event that I attended right before I became a church member this year. We were discussing ideas for a theme. We talked about the change of MLK platform after the March on Washington. Dr. King began to talk about economic empowerment for the black community. Some say, this was inspired his death.

The conversation quickly moved into what is our community doing today. Most of the members talked about diligence in our community. One member said, “Black men in America don’t know nothing about diligence.” In general, I do believe our community lacks the drive to empower themselves. I firmly believe that we as a people become complacent in our situation. Many of us are on welfare, section-8 or if we really doing well making three dollars over minimum wage. There are some that persevere, while the fast majority is still living in the projects that their grandmother grew up in.

In September, I had the pleasure of having lunch with Dr. Cornel West. Someone asked him, “What do you love most about black people.” I can’t recall his exact words, but he said something like this, “Our people have always made the best out of every situation.” It’s true! I know many people, who have been living check-to-check for over 20 years, including my mother. When my mother was getting food stamps, my four-person family was happily living in a two-bedroom apartment without cable, making soul train lines and singing our hearts out.

But, something changed.

My mother was blessed with a better job. She began to expose us to a different lifestyle. She nurtured thoughts of a better life.

Unfortunately, enormous amounts of our people living in poverty don’t make that change. We have generations and generation of teenage mothers, welfare recipients, children of violence and the list goes on. I told the committee our people don’t have HOPE! This is the main cause of our complacent being.

We have endless amounts of talent, yet we don’t know how to channel this talent into something LEGAL and PRODUCTIVE (that’s another post.) The poverty stricken black folks in America don’t know the sun will come out tomorrow.
James Brown had a song something about “Open up the door/And I’ll get it myself.” The door is open… how can we get up and get it ourselves.

It’s a tough unjust world. It’s truly hard for our people to conquer their dreams. A large amount of us face adversity in some form every day of our lives. We must not allow hardship stop us from achieving our goals.

I think it important that we educated ourselves about our elder’s stories.

Can you really imagine walking miles to work for over a year in Montgomery under the sweltering heat?

Can you really imagine a high school drop out going on to become a congressman and president of our oldest civil right organization?

Can you really imagine being an incarcerated felon and redeem yourself in the Muslim religion to become on of our greatest civil right activist?

Can you think of a black successful person who has not gone through tremendous amount of adversity?

H E Double L NO

Our blood is strong and our people don’t even know it.

Diligence! When is our people going to learned that’s all we need to succeed?

2005-11-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

Top 5 Wednesdays - Workout

So yesterday, I started to jump rope! Yes, JUMP ROPE! I needed to do some cardio at home and decided jumping rope for twenty minutes would be a great workout. Let me tell y'all, jumping rope is no joke! I swear to goodness, my heart became all tight. Two of my roommates came outside the house and started laughing. Of course, they wanted to jump rope, too. Why did these m-fers(lol) started jumping like they been doing it for years... as if they were Rocky training for a match, doing all those rope tricks, LOL! I'm not gonna lie, I was trying to do some tricks but it didn't work out to well (i have some whelps to prove it, lol).

Afterwards, we started playing catch with a football. Don't sleep! This brotha has skills! Y'all don't know about freshman year starting offense. What? What! Sike nah! Has anyone use a resistance rope? If you don't have weights at home, get one of these ropes!

Anyhow, I decided to start Top Wednesday's (only my readers from my old blog know about this) So today is....

Top Five Fall TV Shows! (Clap your hands!)

5. Noah's Arc - There are a lot of people that have many negative comments about this show. But, I find it very entertaining and ground breaking! Enough Said!

4. Top Model - This is my first season that I have watched every episode. This show is serious! I don't know why, but I really really love this show. One thing, Tyra could have chosen better-looking black women. Don't get me wrong, both are pretty, but I just can't see them as a Top Model.

3. Grey's Anatomy - Created by a Black Woman on Primetime ABC, I must support this show! I loved last season and this season is even better. Sarah Oh ROCKS!

2. West Wing - I have a background with working in government and political campaigns. Most people in that sector of my life watch this show religiously. In the past couple of years, I have watched it when had the chance. Now, my black behind is in front of a television at 8pm every Sunday. Jimmy Smits and Alan Alda are going to do a live debate on the next episode this Sunday. Watch It!

1. Commander-in-Chief - This is my favorite new show! The scenarios in this show if a woman were President are very realistic. I love the fact that the show is very progressive. 1. Geena Davis as President. 2. Harry Lennix (y'all remember him from the Five Heartbeats, the one who sung bass) as the chief-of-staff. Can y'all imagine that? A female president and a Black Chief-of-Staff. I must mention that Donald Sutherland plays his role to the tee!

Honorable Mentions: Desperate Housewives (this season is different from the last, but i still like it), Any Law & Order (especially SVU), One-on-One (those kids grew up, yum, lol), Everyone Hates Chris (I wish they changed the time).

What's are your favorite Fall TV Shows?

2005-10-31T13:11:00.000-05:00

I can’t forget
But, I can try to forgive
In my own time,
I will survive
The emptiness inside.

I do remember the good
More than the bad
But Still
I’m mad.

It will take time
For the relief that I need
Because the energy you gave me
Planted a seed

That I’m worth more than what you can presently give.
Thank You for giving me the wisdom to live.

2005-10-31T09:41:00.000-05:00

Weekend Stuff

I had a great weekend.

Saturday: I had an enjoyable time with fellow blogger, Mr. Harris. We went out to dinner in Times Square and discussed everything from politics to church to relationships. Because of Frank's Review, we ended up checking out Hanifah Walidah, one woman show, Black Folks Guide to Black Folks. The show was off the HOOK! She is truly a talented writer and performer.

Afterwards we didn't want to go home, so Mr. Harris and I checked out three movie theaters to find out that Saw 2 had been sold-out. Fortunately, Redd told me about a new Saturday party called Bonafide. It was the promoters first night and we were the first to arrive. I felt like a dork, LOL! After drinking a couple of glasses of Jack & Coke, I was enjoying the people who walked into lounge. I saw a few acquaintences, but I didn't dance at all. That's not normal for me! I was extremely tired and was going to church in the morning, so we ended up leaving at 1am and by then the party was packed. Bonafide is my new Saturday spot! Oh yeah, when we were exiting the club, Sister Eva Pigford, last season's Top Model, was entering. I was so madd, I didnt' get a chance to dance with her, LOL! She looked flawless, and had the nerve to be taller than me, LOL! (she had heels on)

Sunday: I had a church date! Yes, a church date! Actually, a blind church date! We will call this person BNG. BNG and I have been chatting for the past week and we finally decided to meet at my church. BNG is attractive, laid-back, intelligent, witty and very spiritual. After we daparted, I wondered what BNG thought of me. Anyway....

Over the weekend, I had conversations with two special people (bloggers) and I want to say THANK YOU for your friendship!

Tomorrow, "How Momma Got Her Groove Back," an update on my momma's groove thing!

2005-10-28T11:05:00.000-04:00

STOLEN

I am not: positive all of the time

I hurt: when I feel that I have failed

I love: The LORD

I hate: being told what to do

I hope: to empower myself and all who I encounter

I regret: Not winning the lottery every time the prize is over 100 million dollars

I cry: when I feel totally alone

I care: about those who are less fortunate

I always: have an opinion (it’s not given all of the time, but I do have one)

I long to: find true and consistent happiness with a significant other

I feel alone: when I’m home and its raining (y’all know it’s been raining to much in NYC, so figure it out, LOL)

I listen: to gospel music when I’m the happiness as well as when I’m at my lowest point (FYI: Kirk Franklin CD new cd Hero is off the chain)

I wonder: if I’ll ever find the love of my life

I hide: well, I try to hide my emotions

I drive: myself insane by over-committing myself

I sing: show tunes fairly well, it’s the g-life in me, LOL

I dance: in front of a 10’ x 8’ mirror in my room practically everyday

I write: at least 30 emails a day

I breathe: super silently when I’m relieving myself by myself, hehehe

I play: with... I was gonna say something nasty, but I won’t!

I miss: someone that entered and exited my life this summer

I search: for financial prosperity

I say: "Thank You Jesus” all of the time

I feel: grateful for all of the blessing that I have, am and will receive

I succeed: when I'm confident

I fail: at finding someone to hug and kiss on the regular (hint: bloggers find me somebody, LOL)

I dream: that someday, I won’t be judge by the color of my skin nor my sexuality, but by the Content of my character

I sleep: in a T-shirt

I want: to be best friends with Oprah and to be the heir to her estate.

I worry: about not succeeding my life’s goals

I have: a dark side that is not shown to many

I give: good... I wanted to say something else nasty but, I’m not, LOL (you can tell a brotha isn’t.. I’ll stop)

I fight: the system in order for our people to progress

I wait: to have my own family

I am: truly blessed

I think: about solutions that are needed in the urban community all of the time.

I can't: concentrate on one thing for more than thirty minutes

I stay: in a one-family house with three of my frat brothers

I tried: to learn Spanish, but it didn't work

I'm mad: when I put a little message box on the right side and only one person sends me a message, LOL (take a hint!)

2005-10-27T13:20:00.000-04:00

My Mom is a Cougar!

We all know about Demi and Ashton, now we have my mom and ?

This morning my mother called me, actually awakening me from my sleep. It was ok, because my mom is my homegirl.

The convo went like this:

"Unconquerable, I'm going on a date on Saturday"
MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm going on a date on Saturday, I tried to tell you about him, but you quickly dismissed him."

So, I started asking questions about him.. like if he had kids, what he did for a living, etc. So, I finally ask her, "how old is this man?"

She says, "Here is the thing! He is 29!'

STOP THE MADDNESS

Background information: I was conceived the first time my mother had intercourse. In fact it was her prom night. (Yeah, I know some TV stuff, LOL!) When I was in kindergarten my mom married my brother and sisters' father. He was mentally and physically abusive to my entire family, especially my mother. It took my mother ten years to conquer her battered woman's syndrome (this is real and I hope to post on this topic.) Currently, all of my siblings are in college (my brother graduated HS in June.) She still continues to work six days a week as a CNA and is a full-time nursing student; I must mention she made the dean's list last semester. My mother is the most consistent person in my life. I am very proud of her, just like she is extremely proud of me. My mom has shown me unconditional love in its truest from, the bond between a mother and son. She has an Unconquerable Soul.

Today:

My mom has not been on a date since her divorce back in '95. So, this is different for me! Mom never gives out her number to anyone, she kindly says "I rather have your number." My mom is a cutie, so I understand that she may get hit on. But, i would have never imagine in a thousand years that she would tell me that she is going on a date. Well, after much consideration over the past two hours. I'm happy for her!

BBBBBBBUUUUUUTTTTT!

I saw the beginning of the Tyra Banks Show Monday, and the topic was older women that date young men. They call them Cougars.

So, does she have to go on a date with a man that is 13 years her junior? She could have been his mother (SHUT UP! YES, SHE COULD). My brother told her she couldn't go. His 18-year-old azz really thinks he is going to stop her. Well, I know I can, but I'm going to let her go with the flow. If she goes on three dates with this man, I must meet HIM. POINT BLANK!

Momma's First Date! Hmmm! This could get interesting! Hopefully, he has some money to get me an Ipod for Christmas, LOL!

2005-10-26T11:18:00.000-04:00

Surviving the System

"I am confident enough to say to all of you today that if the death penalty is objectively investigated, it will be exposed for what it is- a racist, inhumane and disproportionately allocated system used primarily for poor people. I don’t know about any of you, but personally, I can’t name one millionaire or billionaire on death row. Can you?"

It's simple, I don't believe in capital punishment!

On December 13, 2005, the execution of Stanley "Tookie" Williams will take place. As a teenager, Tookie founded the notorious gang called the Crips (fyi, the gang sporting the color Blue). Tookie has been incarcerated for the pass 23 years for the murders of four people. During this time, he has published his autobiography and children’s books discouraging violence, which lead to a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize for Peace and Literature.

If you don't know anything about Brother Williams please watch Redemption the movie, starring Oscar winner Jamie Foxx. His story of redeeming himself is truly inspirational.

There is a system in America that holds back the black community from uniting and supporting each other. Whether you believe me or not, there is a reason why to many of us are incarcerated, unemployed and still living with the Willie Lynch syndrome. It takes people like Brother Williams to testify his triumphant voyage of "redemption," to assist with the deliverance of our young black youth.

I cannot ignore the fact that Brother Williams have ended many lives, but I can respect him for sincerely apologizing and working towards changing the lives of people, who are engaging in the same activity that he did as a youngster. There are many men who work our street corner that need to know there is another way.

I admired Tookie for reflecting on his past and changing it to empower himself to survive the system. This Man looked in the Mirror!

"I pray that one day my apology will be accepted. I also pray that your suffering, caused by gang violence, will soon come to an end as more gang members wake up and stop hurting themselves and others. I vow to spend the rest of my life working toward solutions." ~Tookie

2005-10-25T11:19:00.000-04:00

Rosa Parks shall not be moved!

We know the story. One December evening, a woman left work and boarded a bus for home. She was tired; her feet ached. But this was Montgomery, Ala., in 1955, and as the bus became crowded, the woman, a black woman, was ordered to give up her seat to a white passenger. When she remained seated, that simple decision eventually led to the disintegration of institutionalized segregation in the South, ushering in a new era of the civil rights movement.
~Time Magazine

I am truly mourning the death of Sister Rosa Parks. She was a black woman who said a silent and distinct NO to the system, and that is a courageous act. I often wondered if she truly knew that her small, yet significant actions would initiate the civil right movement, leading with the Montgomery Bus Boycotts.

It's amazing that she lived to be 92 years old and her story is still often told. Yet, so many of us forget how segrated this country was 50 years ago. We come a long way, but we have a long way to go.

Sister Parks proves a single person can make a big difference and one doesn't have to be a person with a big voice to have a big impact.

Sister Rosa Parks, your story will live on!

2005-10-21T11:30:00.000-04:00

When a Man looks in the Mirror

To love yourself is to accept yourself and no one can define that for you. You just know. It’s one of those AH HA moments that are featured in O – The Oprah Magazine.

It has been a long rough and rocky road on my journey towards full acceptance of myself. As times goes on, I believe most of us change and this evolution sheds light on many things that we didn’t know about ourselves. We visualize the man in the mirror.

For some of us, we tend to avoid looking in that mirror, because there is a big chance that we may see our scars (flaws). This has occurred many times during my life. Unfortunately, some of those scars are for life, while many of them, can be fixed if properly treated.

I suppose there are a few people that are unaware of the wonders of Cocoa Butter. It’s not like magic, when you could apply the lotion once and BOOM the scar disappears. In fact, it takes time to heal, some of those scars(flaws) take longer to heal than others. But, we must also take into consideration that if we do not look at the man in the mirror we can never point out the flaws and tackle them, as God will. If unattended, these scars can spread and affect other parts of our body. (Think about it!) We tend to be victimized by the vernacular remarks that others say to us. “You’re FAT! You’re UGLY! You’re a FAG!” These comments break us down to a point where we start to accept them without even asking ourselves, is it true?

As a black man, I have been called many things. For a long time, I immediately accepted these remarks as truth, and denied myself strength to look in the mirror for myself. Others dictated how I felt at any given moment. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a bad mutha--- shut your mouth---, got my stuff together. I’ve always been an effective leader, but when it came down to it, I was affected by every single comment that was given to me. This just fueled my anxiety, again, denying myself a glimpse of who I truly was.

Surprisingly, some of us will look into that mirror and notice many Beauty Marks, symbolizing our inner and outer beauty. I think sometimes, we wait for someone to give us a compliment in order to envision these Beauty Marks. We even wait for that degree, that promotion or the moment that person at the club we have been watching for months finally approaches us… to know that we are Special. The small praises that have been given to me inspired the faux idea that I knew who I was. These have been my excuses to avoid looking at that man in the mirror.

That waiting period for other opinions can leave us insecure, scared and restless. While unacquainted with who really are, we still continue to avoid looking in that mirror.

My association with someone over the summer planted a seed of fruit to nourish my body’s strength to turn the fyck around and face the mirror. It seems as though; I’ve had my back toward the mirror for a while. I stole split second glances at myself.

This whole year, I have been reaching my turning point. I was rotating like D’Angelo in the “How does it feel” video! (I wish I had that body, lol!) Starting from my back facing the mirror, I slowly turned towards seeing myself. I was scared, frightened at what I may see. As the blemishes cleared my reality and I was able to see me in my entirety, my revelation unveiled strength, gratefulness, love, self-love, spirit, beauty, happiness, new smiles, the past, present and my bright future. At the same time it showed loneliness, fear, anxiety, and envy in a way that taught me where it came from and how I must win those battles.

By viewing the Man in the Mirror, you finally see TRUTH. Your Truth. The vision of yourself is like the Phoenix out of ashes you are reborn. This Truth is realizing that you are not perfect, but accepting and working towards healing your scars (flaws) that can only bring forth the evolution of who you are to become.

After we have explored our nakedness and accepted every good and bad thing about ourselves, we have reached another turning point. We have finally realized we all have an Unconquerable Soul.

An Unconquerable Soul leaves room for fears and disappointment, including some brief relapses, which I’m sure I’ll post about. But, most importantly, the acknowledgment of this Unconquerable Soul increases the amount of hope, dedication and commitment. Gears are shifted towards feeling unbreakable and invincible.

The past couple of months, I have been seriously making moves toward achieving all my present endeavors. I have even been preparing for some future undertakings. Right now, I choose to face adversity, instead of ignoring it. I will gain strength with every trial and tribulation that comes my way. I learned the greatest lesson of my life thus far, MY SELF WORTH!

Since this has been discovered, I am unbeatable! Sho Nuff! I am unbreakable! Sho Nuff! I AM THE UNCONQUERABLE SOUL!

2005-10-18T14:51:00.000-04:00

Launching October 21th